POLITICARTS 1/30/11

SOTU POLITICARTS

European Union Selects Modified English For Its Official Language

The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the
European Union rather than German, which was the other
possibility.





As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make
words like fotograf 20% shorter.







In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.







Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
riten styl.





Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum
tru.





Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas.



Pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.

Activists Missing After Declaring War on Leather at Motorcycle Rally Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters, according to police officials.

Something just went wrong, said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong. The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats, decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats. In fact, said the organizer, motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it ergo, they should stop.

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting youre murderers to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began. They peed on me!!! charged one activist. They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me La Trene, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day! II was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and hehe didnt even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, You cant prove that. Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman. Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers farted on their heads.

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed surprise at the allegations.

Thats preposterous, said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and farting on their heads, the organizer declined to comment in detail. Thats just our secret handshake, assured the organizer.

Corporal Tina Eklund

Orange County Sheriff's Office

Wednesday, November 24, 2022

Wednesday, November 24, 2022

"Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat," Julia yelled to her husband. "In a minute, honey, it's a tie score," he answered. Actually Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington.

Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world," Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be. Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting.

Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another TofuTurkey. Even though it was the best type of VeggieMeat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce and mince-meat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey. And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020 to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.

Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the TofuTurkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold. Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats-which were monitored and controlled by the electric company-be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.

Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family. Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of live-saving medical treatment. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort. "The RHC's resources are limited," explained the government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss."

Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines-for everyone but government officials. The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.

Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in. Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids. Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added "inconvenience" was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists." Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022. That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny," even when probable cause was involved. Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine. Almost.

The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact. "A living Constitution is extremely flexible," said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. " Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example," she added.

Winston's thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford. She whined for a week, but got over it.

His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner," but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility. It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being. Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13. The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth." This time they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.

Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement. At least he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realized their full potential. Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.

He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2010, when all the real nonsense began. "Maybe we wouldn't be where we are today if we'd just said 'enough is enough' when we had the chance," he thought.

Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so.

Change Of Perspective After the 50's

Reading the jokes below reminded me of a young man who was trying to sell me knives that had a life time warranty. I explained to him that was no longer a big selling point to me.

The older we get.... ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets .

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. Then the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher : 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!

And don't forget..

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Fla. jogger won't be charged for shooting teen

Alcohol Affects Judgement

The Conservative = Violent / Liberal = Non-Violent Myth

Comments

#1 Lee Harvey Oswold -

Submitted by Rusty Shackleford on Mon, 01/10/2011 - 10:46am.

Lee Harvey Oswold - Assassinated JFK. Leftwing communist sympathizer loon

James Lee - Radical environmentalist responsible for the armed holdup at the Discovery Channel. Owner of SaveThePlanetProtest.com

Ted "The Unibomber" Kaczynski - Leftist who was at one time a professor at Berkeley. He became a loon because developers destroyed the forest, that Ted did not own, around his home to develop.

Joseph Andrew Stack - Flew his single-engine plane into an IRS building in a suicide crash. Anti-Catholic Church, anti-Bush lefty.

John Hinkley Jr. - Shot Reagan. Was a failed songwriter and adored a lebsian celebrity . I don't know if he was a lefty or not but does that sound like a conservative to you?

Of course we also have ELF, ALF, Greenpeace, union goons, anti-war protestors, G8 protesters, UK college tuition hike protestors, and others to demonstrate the tolerance and violence-free leftists but that's all I care to list.

Read more: http://newsbusters.org/blogs/bob-parks/2010/03/29/conservative-violent-liberal-non-violent-myth#ixzz1AeLd3dX5

Uncle Ted Explains

Passing the Gavel

Yet Another

Snow! Snow! Snow!

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Nevada were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to12 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to a blond exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

BLONDE JOKE!!!!

Guaranteed To Make You Smile!!!

Ask For A Customer Service Rep In The United States

I want to ask each of you to consider doing the following when you are talking on the phone to any US customer service representative that is based in a foreign country (like India ). Any time you call an 800 number (for a credit card, banking, charter communications, electronic equipment, health insurance, insurance, you name it) and you are transferred to a representative (like in India), please consider doing the following:

After you connect and you realize that the customer service representative is not from the USA (you can always ask if you are not sure about the accent), please very politely (very politely - this is not about trashing other cultures) say, "I'd like to speak to a customer service representative in the United States of America ."　 The rep might suggest talking to his/her manager, but, again, politely say, "Thank you, but I'd like to speak to a customer service representative in the USA ."　 YOU WILL BE IMMEDIATELY CONNECTED to a rep in the USA .　 It only takes less than one minute to have your call re-directed to the USA .　 Tonight when I got redirected to a USA rep, I asked again to make sure - and yes, she was from Fort Lauderdale .

Imagine if tomorrow, every US citizen who has to make such a call and then requests a US rep, imagine how that would ultimately impact the number of US jobs that would need to be created ASAP.　 Imagine what would happen if every US citizen insisted on talking to only US phone reps from this day on.　 If I tell 10 people to consider this and you tell 10 people to consider doing this - see what I mean...it becomes an exercise in viral marketing 101.

Remember - the goal here is to restore jobs back here at home - not to be abrupt or rude to a foreign phone rep.　 If you agree, please tell 10 people you know and tell them to tell 10 people they know....etc...etc...

Thank You for your Support,

An American Citizen