MORE WIMPY MILLENNIALS

[Monday] night around 9:15 PM, social media became a furious storm of confusion regarding a man in white robes roaming along 10th St. and purportedly armed with a whip.

Students thought the white robes indicated Klu Klux Klan affiliation.

Naturally students whimpered for those in charge to provide them with a safe space:

But authorities’ hands were tied by our vestigial Constitution. Resident Assistant Ethan Gill warned his residents:

Students can come out from under their beds now. The Klansman in question was revealed to be Dominican monk Father Jude McPeak of St. Paul’s Catholic Center. His “whip” evidently consisted of a rosary.

FUNNY STUFF 040716

==============================================

I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it. Now I ride on escalators all the time.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That’s now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, "Don’t put off that mammogram." 

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets." 

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." 

Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. 

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. 

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!" 

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag." 

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat." 

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. 

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?" 

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" 

A lawyer is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" 

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. 

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?" 

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!" 

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email." 

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. 

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park." 

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober." 

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?" 

THE CLINTONS

MILLENNIALS VS 95- SOME REALLY FUNNY SHIT!

SELF DEFENSE FOR LIBERALS

A liberal acquaintance in California asked me what I thought he might need in order to defend his home and family from home invasion, and the like. I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells.

A few days later he sent me this picture and asked me how to make it all work. He voted for Obama...twice.

SOROS ARMY PLOTTING MASS DISRUPTIONS IN DC NEXT 2 WEEKS

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) says it’s part of a coalition of leftwing groups planning a second wave of protests and mass civil disobedience scheduled to disrupt Washington, DC later this month.   

Many of the participating groups are backed by billionaire George Soros.

The coalition, calling itself Democracy Awakening, is a three-day activist movement that claims it is “coming together to demand a democracy that works for all of us – a nation where our votes are not denied and money doesn’t buy access and power.” -PAID FOR BY SOROS

It is the sister movement of Democracy Spring, which is currently in the midst of a 10-day protest march from Philadelphia to DC, with plans for a major escalation in DC on April 11. On that date, the group says it is plotting “one of the largest civil disobedience actions in a generation.” As of this writing, 3,404 activists specifically pledged online to participate in the main civil disobedience event and risk arrest on on April 11 in D.C.

After Democracy Spring begins to wind down, Democracy Awakening plans a second wind of revolutionary energy starting on Saturday, April 16.

Asked why the group decided to take part in Democracy Awakening, Raquel Coombs, the NAACP’s vice president for communications and digital media, told Breitbart News:

This Presidential election will be the first in 50 years without the full protections of the Voting Rights Act. States with the worst histories of discrimination are pushing for new barriers to block the young, the poor, the elderly and minority voters from the ballot in 2016.  Congress has solutions to restore the integrity of the voting process and remove those barriers but has so far failed to act on any of those legislative proposals.

Democracy Awakening is our way of coming together across all faiths, political affiliation, and race and claim a democracy where every voice is heard and every vote counts equally.

Soros groups

Groups signed onto Democracy Awakening include a litany of Soros-financed organizations.  Those Soros-financed groups include MoveOn, AVAAZ, Campaign for America’s Future, Common Cause, Democracy for America, Democracy 21, Demos, Institute for Policy Studies, People for the American Way, Project Vote, and UHCAN.

Weissman’s Public Citizen has also received significant financing from Soros’ Open Society.

Soros’ Open Society has also given numerous grants to the NAACP.

‘Day of Action’

Democracy Awakening is planning three days of teach-ins, marches, film screenings and even after-parties.  The marches aim to “circle the Capitol to call on Congress to stand up for democracy and stop blocking the reforms we need.”

Kai Newkirk, Democracy Spring’s campaign director, enumerated to Breitbart News the links between his group and Democracy Awakening:

We are like two wings of the same bird. We’re part of a united mobilization and the two coalitions have very substantial overlap within the organizations and the leaders and we’re taking responsibility for different part so the mobilizations.  We are leading the march from Philly to DC and the start of civil disobedience, and they are leading efforts of rally for democracy.

With research by Brenda J. Elliott.

FULL ARTICLE

OUR EYES CONNECTED AND JUST "WOW!"

Huma Abedin spoke about meeting Hillary Clinton for the first time in a new interview, where she also revealed her fears over the State Department's release of the Democratic front-runner's emails from her time as Secretary of State.  

'You know these things that happen in your life that just stick? She walked by and she shook my hand and our eyes connected and I just remember having this moment where I thought; "Wow, this is amazing,"' said Abedin.

'And it just inspired me. You know, I still remember the look on her face. And it’s funny, and she would probably be so annoyed that I say this, but I remember thinking; "Oh my God, she’s so beautiful and she’s so little!"'

Clinton's top aide said on the Call Your Girlfriend podcast that she had met Clinton once before this, but just as she took a group photo with the new White House interns. 

Hillary Clinton's top aide Huma Abedin gushes about presidential hopeful and describes the moment they first met

• Huma Abedin spoke about her boss Hillary Clinton and the moment the two first met in a recent interview 
• 'She walked by and she shook my hand and our eyes connected and I just remember having this moment where I thought; "Wow,"' said Abedin
• The top Clinton aide also revealed that she is terrified about her boss' emails which are being released by the State Department
• The FBI is investigating Clinton's use of a private email address and server while serving as Secretary of State 
• Abedin said she has not read any of the emails and would be 'mortified' if she knew what was in them having been on most of the exchanges 
• She also said of Clinton; 'I think that if my boss quit tomorrow, she will go down as one of the greatest American women in the history of the world' 

By CHRIS SPARGO FOR DAILYMAIL.COM

PUBLISHED: 06:33 EST, 4 April 2016 | UPDATED: 10:56 EST, 4 April 2016

Read here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3522657/Our-eyes-connected-thought-Wow-Hillary-Clinton-s-aide-Huma-Abedin-gushes-presidential-hopeful-describes-moment-met.html#ixzz44z0vr5Kc