Jack's Jokes 032613

When a friend of mine took the entrance exam for medical school, he was perplexed by this
question:

"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in the Senate.

 

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"Tact"

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress, thinking this was a bit risque behavior that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman,

"Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

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SIMPLE TRUTH #1 Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. 

SIMPLE TRUTH # 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations".

But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.



AND FINALLY Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

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A Republican man in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

He looked across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down,

and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.

He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Budweiser?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked,

"Isn't that God's boy over there?



The waitress nodded so the Democrat directed her to give him a cold beer. "On my tab," he said loudly.



As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt strength come back into his legs, got up, and walked out the door, thankful to Jesus.



Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back

straightening, and grateful to the Lord, he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and walked out the door.



Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

(I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!)

The Democrat jumped up and yelled,

"Don't touch me...I'm collecting disability."

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Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of

Switzerland.

 

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went

up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is

that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to

stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate

of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled

and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps

the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the

Barn,! and she too did not return for an hour.

 

Her clothing was askew,

Her blouse buttoned incorrectly.

She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued

on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she

broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she

cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking

for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with

my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next

to his mouth, and yelled out.....

 

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

 

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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the  flight crew, the plane lands safely on the tiny island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check to the IRS this quarter?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

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Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to
meet for lunch at a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel.
After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.

She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton
in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful
daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the
daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend,
Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own
vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts
out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small
apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage
Facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that
she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in
Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

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George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?” Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

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What deep thinkers men are!!

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

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 Bubba is driving down a back road in Alabama ..

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lordy mercy!" he says to himself, "Them's my three favorites!"

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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
The rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,

a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see

what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he
begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway

sees a man crying on the side of the road

and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man

what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,

"I accidentally hit the Easter
Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car

and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,

bends down,

and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter
Bunny jumps up,

waves its paw at the two of them

and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops,

turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves,

hops another ten feet,

turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again and
again,

until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?

What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around

so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray

Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

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Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him . .

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

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