JOKES OF THE DAY 072716

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

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At  the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at
the  portrait that had them completely  confused.

The  painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a  bench.

Two  of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink
penis.
The  curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the  painting and offered his personal  assessment.

He  went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation  of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society.

In  fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink
penis also  reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay
men in  contemporary society'.

After  the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would
you like to  know what the painting is really  about?'

'Now  why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery',  asked the couple?

'Because  I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he  replied.

'In  fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish  coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for  lunch

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A young Arkansas boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.

She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville. He became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be!

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E = mc2

If you were to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of
299.8 mm/sec (the speed of light) it would theoretically be possible
for you to screw yourself.

However, since you are not physically capable of achieving that speed
at your age, you can easily accomplish the same result by:

Voting Democratic in the Nov. 8, 2016, election.

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The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies"? Ole demanded.
"Well" she said, "you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any".
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear".
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not"?
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me".
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of
decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her
skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it..
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer
drawers"? She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any".
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love
o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit".

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Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any bible verses.

He answered: "Yep, I sure can"......"Trump 20:16"

"What's that?" 

"Give a man a fish and he will  eat for a day.
Deport the son-of-a-bitch, and  you'll never have to feed him again!”

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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from KansasCity to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

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A Blonde guy comes homes . . .

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

“Honey! Help! I’m having a heart attack!”

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:

“Dad! Uncle Terry’s upstairs! And he’s naked!”

He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.

“WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

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