BECAUSE I'M A MAN!

Because I'm a man , when I lock  my
keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after  hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option.

I will  win.

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Because  I'm a man , when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop  the  hood and stare at the engine as if 
I know what I'm  looking at. If another man shows up, one of us 
will say to the  other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but 
now with all these  computers and everything, I wouldn't know where 
to start." We will  then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as 
a form of holy  communion.
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Because  I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring 
me soup and take  care of  me while I lie in bed and moan. 
You're a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so for
you, this is no problem.
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Because  I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries 
at the store, like  milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic 
items like "cumin"  or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because  I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will 
insist on taking  it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice 
as much once the  repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a  man, I must hold the  television remote control in my hand
while I  watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole 
show looking for  it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a 
calculator instead  (applies only to engineers)
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Because  I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true  answer is always either sex, cars, sex, 
sports or sex. I  have to make up something else when
you ask, so just don't  ask.
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Because  I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. 
Chances are, if  you're crying at the end of it, I didn't .. . and if you are
feeling  amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember 
the name and  recommend it to others.
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Because  I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were  wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is  fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your butt  look too big.
It was the pasta and potatoes and desserts that did that.   Your hair is fine. 
You look fine.   Can we just go now?
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Because  I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2016, I will share
equally in  the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the  vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like
wandering around in  the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.