JOKES OF THE DAY 090516

=========================================

I bought a new stick deodorant today. 
  
The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom." 
  
It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.


=========================================

Hillary called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2016!"

"Great Hillary, but how?" asked Bill.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle

Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana.  With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you

Bill and Hillary Clinton?"

"Yes we are!" said Hillary, "And what a lovely town you have here.   We were passing through and Bill suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, Walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, Shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later,  In came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog,  Lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head And left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in,

Lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Hillary asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come

In and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there

Running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever In here with two assholes!"

=========================================

NEXT US FIRST LADY

=========================================


Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had... Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.  A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.  An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'  Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??' 
=========================================


Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes.  "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They told me I was trying to upset the productivity quota."  "Me? I came to work early." compared the second. "They told me this proves I'm a 'capitalist spy.'"  "And I am here for always getting to work on time," added the third. "They claimed this proved I had an American watch." 
=========================================


Three men who have had one too many try to get into a Christmas party, but they must present something 'in the holiday spirit' to enter.  The first man searches his pockets, and finds some mistletoe. He is allowed in.  The second man has a red hat. He is also allowed in.  The third man pulls out women's undergarments.  Confused at this last gesture, the bouncer asks, "How do THESE represent Christmas?"  The drunk replies, "They're Carol's." 
=========================================


Harsh Things a Woman Might Say to a Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused. 
=========================================

=========================================

=========================================