THANKS TO MY FRIENDS FOR THEIR EMAILS

 

As we progress well into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past years. I am now so totally screwed up and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door   without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying  

about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread   because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands   with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack  sends me on  a guilt trip because   I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag   for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks   for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with  

every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,   now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar   because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys  gone.

I  can't eat at KFC   because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants   even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you   I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern ,   I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy   fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling  Wrap   in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know   I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring  

me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema   because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers   because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And   I no longer answer the phone because   someone will ask me  to dial a number for  which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to  

Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you   I can't use any one's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant  

death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice   I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed  

there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening   because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall  off.

If you don't  send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's  

beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.  (Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.)

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet...