FUNNY STUFF 041016

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy, who went by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called, slangly, Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a full camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth.  ======================================================

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?" The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..." 

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS. 25 percent of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary. It means 75 percent are running around untreated!

======================= Little Johnny came home from school one day confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy am I more Jewish or more Black?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him. So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, " Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Black?" "What kind of question is that?" Why do you want to know if you're more? Jewish or more Black?", asks dad. Well, it's like this dad ... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the thing. =======================

The local police department answered a call from the convent about a strange object circling overhead. When the officer arrived to take the report, he asked Mother Superior what kind of object it was. "I can't say," she replied, "but sister Elizabeth says she knows exactly what it looked like. Would you like to speak with her?" "That's OK," said the policeman. "I'll just put it down as a nun-identified flying object." 

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? 

Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood. 

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"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground." 

Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up. 

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight? 

WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

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A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?" 

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!" 

================== Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence. Murphy suggested, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus asked, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left a'tall." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey. Shamus exclaimed, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy answered, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more blitzed -- all for free! At the tenth pub, Shamus told, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o' this. Me knees are killin' me!" Murphy retorted, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!" ===================

She was only the ........ Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen. 

Astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off. 

Athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball. 

Barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them. 

Blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead. 

Bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets. 

Bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked. 

Butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin. 

Cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together. 

Carpenter's daughter, but you should have seen her circular sores! 

Carpenter's daughter, but she always had tools in her box! 

Cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur. 

Chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash. 

Clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor. 

Cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last. 

Communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share. 

Doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate. 

Draughtsman's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line. 

Electrician's daughter, but she had good connections. 

Electrician's daughter, But she lights up half the town. 

Farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilize. 

Film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out. 

Fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines. 

Fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet. 

Flag-wavers daughter, But she'd let her standards down for anyone. 

Florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town. 

Fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail. 

Ganges's daughter, but she knew the fettles length. 

Garagemans daughter, but she didn't like the smell of benzoils! 

Gravediggers daughter, but anyone cadaver 

Gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod. 

Green grocer's daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town! 

Insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy. 

Jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure. 

Lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night. 

Milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop. 

Moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 

Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town. 

Optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself. 

Parachutists daughter, but she was free-fall 

Philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away. 

Photographer's daughter, but boy. she was really developed. 

Pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves! 

Plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures. 

Pilots daughter, But she always kept her cockpit clean. 

Postman's daughter, But she always had male in her box. 

Professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson. 

Real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away. 

Road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt. 

Statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations. 

Steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron. 

Telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit.... 

Tree feller's daughter, but tree fellas were never enough for her. 

Undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bu...stiff. 

Vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck! 

Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled -- around. 

Weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front. 

Woodchopper's daughter, but you could hear her ring-barking for miles. 

===================== Tom was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife, Linda, with a look of questioning on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"  =================

A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies. While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him. "Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?" "Hundred bucks," she replied. "If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust. "Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either." 

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynecologist. They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"? The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc". "Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor. "No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".

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A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of ELVIS on the inside of my right thigh." The artist says "No Problem, get undressed and lay on the table." When he is done, he says "So, what do you think?" She replies," That doesn't look like ELVIS at all! I want you to do it over on the inside of my left thigh" The artist agrees and when finished, asks for her to appraise his work. "DAMMIT,..not only does that not look like ELVIS, it looks just like the tattoo on my other thigh!" Calmly the artist asks her if she would like a second opinion and he walks outside and grabs the first person he sees...a drunk. He brings him back inside, shoves his face between her legs and says, "I want you to look at these two tattoos and tell me who it is?" The drunk looks at one tattoo, then the other, and exclaims, "Well...I don't know about the twins, but that's WILLIE NELSON in the middle!" 

A man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?", says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can!"

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too." 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked: "What are you in here for, buddy?" The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep." "I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself... I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too." Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you here for?" they asked. "Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!" The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too, huh?" "No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" 

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup." 

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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." 

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Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?" "Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself." 

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

===================== A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the Civil War." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business." ============== A beautiful young blonde model boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy, and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm a famous model, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies: "I'm a famous model, I'm sitting here all the way to New York." . The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he used to date a blond model like her, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "ok, thank you". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class seats aren't going to New York."