FUNNY STUFF 041316

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about a passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported. Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman -- who was his wife -- after ascertaining that they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress answered. Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side." the mistress replied. 

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

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Three elderly women met at the coffee shop every week without fail for coffee, cigarettes, and conversation. One Saturday, Doris announced she was giving up smoking for her health. "I survived cancer of the uterus," she said, "and I'm not taking any more chances." Even after hearing Doris's revelation, Edith lit up. "Aren't you afraid of getting cancer of the uterus? asked Hazel. "Oh, no dear," Edith replied, without batting an eye. "I don't inhale that far down." 

Phil and Martha had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Martha?" Phil replies, "Yes Judge, that is correct." "And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires. Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt the bitch Your Honor."

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'Years ago' when I was a child I used to go to the grocery store with my Mom. Barrels sat around the store filled with pickles, loose crackers, and huge containers from which lard was dispensed. This was a small country store. One morning my mom and I went to the store to purchase a few groceries. In the store was an elderly woman asking to buy three pounds of lard and have it put into an empty pail she was carrying. The son of the owner was minding the store while the father went to lunch. He stated, "Miss Abigail, your pail will only hold two pounds." Miss Abigail looked at him as if he were simple minded and said, " Where is your daddy? He has been putting three pounds of lard in this pail for the last five years!" 

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is another way that will cost only $50. The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes. After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it. "Simple... I tied your pubic hairs together!"

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In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. The girl pulls us her dress a bit to reveal her legs. She then offers, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $5.00, I'll show you my thighs." Men being what they are, they all whipped out a $5 bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to reveal her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $20, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window, pointing outside to a building they're passing. "See there in the distance? That's the hospital where I had it done!" =================
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are lying in bed one night. Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd. Quickly he turns Dr. Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum. "Sherlock, what the hell are you doing?" Dr. Watson gasps. Sherlock smiles and replies. "It's a lemon entry my dear Watson."  ==================
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer, reading jokes! Thrilling! REAL thrilling! ===============
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But... they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," answered the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge." ================