A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gatorand let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the jerk who pushed me in the pool."
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A sales representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. Hurrying through the busy airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering dozens and dozens of condoms all over the terminal floor. She noticed fellow travellers staring at her as she tried to put the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she explained. "I'm going to a convention."
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Some Expert Definitions:
Rampage. Section of a book about male sheep.
Seamstress The results of 200 lbs. stuffed into a size 6 dress.
Toiletry Where you go while on a wilderness camping trip.
Quarterback What you`ll never get if you misdial from a pay phone.
Yale What southern cheerleaders do.
Lite Year 365 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it`s less filling.
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A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
If you can't drink and drive, why the hell do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol???
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It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must. "Mom, you are no longer a spring chicken, and you do need to think ahead of what will happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when..... you know... when.... God forbid... you pass on?" The mother didn't say anything, just sat there, staring ahead. "I mean, Mom, like.... how do you want finally to go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated? Or ??" There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and asked, "Son, why don't you simply surprise me?"
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