A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, so long as he fits in the cannon."
==============================================
THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those who can give
without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber
for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and
the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop
the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a
dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and
when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you '
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill ,
the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week."
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber
went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up
waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
==============================================
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
==============================================
“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Screw!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does screw mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs screwing the chicken.”
==============================================
“A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”
==============================================
“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”
When practicing naked yoga, is it better to be in the front of the room or the back?
==============================================
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, so long as he fits in the cannon."
==============================================
THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those who can give
without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber
for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and
the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop
the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a
dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and
when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you '
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill ,
the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week."
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber
went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up
waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
==============================================
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
==============================================
“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Screw!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does screw mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs screwing the chicken.”
==============================================
“A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”
==============================================
“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”
When practicing naked yoga, is it better to be in the front of the room or the back?
==============================================
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