FROM THE GERIATRIC CLUB AT THE WATERING HOLE 051616

BEST ENJOYED WITH A GOOD DOSE OF RETIREMENT

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LA Times Quote of the day - priceless

Quote of the day by Dianne Feinstein.......

Dianne Feinstein: "All vets are mentally ill in some way and government should prevent them from owning firearms."

Yep, - she really said it on Thursday in a meeting in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee.... And the quote below from the LA Times is priceless. Sometimes even the L.A. Times gets it right.

Kurt Nimmo: "Senator Feinstein insults all U.S. Veterans as she flays about in a vain attempt to save her anti-firearms bill."

Quote of the Day from the Los Angeles Times:

"Frankly, I don't know what it is about California, but we seem to have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious women to high office. I'm not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to Washington, we're Number One. There's no getting around the fact that the last time anyone saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, Maxine Waters, and Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain went up on ' Macbeth '. The four of them are like jackasses who happen to possess the gift of blab . You don't know if you should condemn them for their stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form words."

Columnist Burt Prelutsky,

Los Angeles Times

(The above four ladies ar e about as far left wing as you can go. They preach and promote a government system that used to be called Communism until that became a really negative word 20 or 30 years ago becasue  the many failures of that government showed it doesn’t work.  Now the word they like everyone to use is “ Progressive”, but it’s the same old tired idea of small or no military, no personal ownership of guns, free stuff, but shortages of everything and govenment control of everyone and everything. Distribution of wealth until everyone is equally poor (see Cuba, Bulgaria, Albania, Romania, Solvakia, Hungary, Poland, East Germany, North Korea, much of South America, etc. ) JDV

Be sure to forward this to all of the "mentally ill" vets you know. Especially the ones with guns..

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Gotta love the 1st lady

Michelle Obama reminded attendees of a Naturalization Ceremony Wednesday that the Founding Fathers weren't born in America. The ceremony for 50 new U.S. citizens was held at the National Archives in Washington, D.C.

She said during her speech, referring to the Declaration of Independence, "It's amazing that just a few feet from here where I'mstanding are the signatures of the 56 Founders who put their names on a Declaration that changed the course of history, and like the 50 of you, none of them were born American - they became American." Excuse me? Did she actually mean that those who signed the Declaration of Independence and participated in the drafting of the Constitution were not born in America?

Benjamin Franklin was born in Pennsylvania. Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and James Madison were born in Virginia. John Adams was born in Massachusetts. Only eight of the 56 were not born in America. Surely she knew this.

But, then again, maybe not. After all, she is a Harvard graduate. Isn't she?As John Wayne said .... "Life's tough. It's tougher when you're stupid."

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Home Schooling 

Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways. 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My father taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why   ." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My father taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!" 13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!" 18   . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My father taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand. 25. My father taught me about JUSTICE . "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…

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Here is a letter written to the RNC… You be the judge…

RNC

P.O. Box 96994

Washington DC 20090-6994

Dear Representative,

From the time I was able to vote I voted republican.

I am 80 and have a great deal of respect and influence with others.

I received your questionnaire and request for money and strongly agree with every question, as I have since Obama was elected.

Unfortunately the one question that was missing is “What have the Republicans done for the American people?”

We gave you a majority in the house and senate and you never listened to us. Now you want our money.

You should be more concerned about our votes not our money.

You are the establishment which means all you want is to save your jobs and line your pockets…

Well guess what?

“It’s not going to happen,” You can shake in your boots when I tell you our movement is for TRUMP and he hasn’t asked for a dime.

You might think we are fools because you feel Trump is on a self-destruct course but look beyond Washington and listen to the masses.  Nobody has achieved what he has, especially in a state of New York.

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Retired Men Are Deep Thinkers

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

 The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the testicles?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the testicles, but how could they "know"?

 Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the testicles is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the testicles." 

I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

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CHINESE BACK-UP SENSOR

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A POEM THAT WAS US 

A little house with three bedrooms, One bathroom and one car on the street A mower that you had to push To make the grass look neat. 

In the kitchen on the wall We only had one phone, And no need for recording things, Someone was always home. 

We only had a living room Where we would congregate, Unless it was at mealtime In the kitchen where we ate. 

We had no need for family rooms Or extra rooms to dine. When meeting as a family Those two rooms would work out fine. 

We only had one TV set And channels maybe two, But always there was one of them With something worth the view. 

For snacks we had potato chips That tasted like a chip. And if you wanted flavor There was Lipton's onion dip. 

Store-bought snacks were rare because My mother liked to cook - And nothing can compare to snacks In Betty Crocker's book. 

Weekends were for family trips Or staying home to play. We all did things together - Even go to church to pray. 

When we did our weekend trips Depending on the weather, No one stayed at home because We liked to be together. 

Sometimes we would separate To do things on our own, But we knew where the others were Without our own cell phone. 

Then there were the movies With your favorite movie star, And nothing can compare To watching movies in your car. 

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season, Pack a lunch and find some trees And never need a reason. 

Get a baseball game together With all the friends you know, Have real action playing ball - And no game video. 

Remember when the doctor Used to be the family friend, And didn't need insurance Or a lawyer to defend. The way that he took care of you Or what he had to do, Because he took an oath and strived To do the best for you. 

Remember going to the store And shopping casually, And when you went to pay for it You used your own money? 

Nothing that you had to swipe Or punch in some amount, And remember when the cashier person Had to really count? 

The milkman used to go From door to door, And it was just a few cents more Than going to the store. 

There was a time when mailed letters Came right to your door, Without a lot of junk mail ads Sent out by every store. 

The mailman knew each house by name And knew where it was sent; There were not loads of mail addressed To "present occupant". 

There was a time when just one glance Was all that it would take, And you would know the kind of car, The model and the make. 

They didn't look like turtles Trying to squeeze out every mile; They were streamlined, white walls, fins And really had some style. 

One time the music that you played Whenever you would jive, Was from a vinyl, big-holed record Called a forty-five. 

The record player had a post To keep them all in line, And then the records would drop down And play one at a time. 

Oh sure, we had our problems then, Just like we do today - And always we were striving, Trying for a better way. 

Oh, the simple life we lived Still seems like so much fun, How can you explain a game, Just kick the can and run? 

And why would boys put baseball cards Between bicycle spokes, And for a nickel, red machines Had little bottled Cokes? 

This life seemed so much easier Slower in some ways, I love the new technology But I sure do miss those days. 

So time moves on and so do we And nothing stays the same, But I sure love to reminisce And walk down memory lane. 

With all today's technology We grant that it's a plus! But it's fun to look way back and say, HEY LOOK, GUYS, THAT WAS US! 

"Good friends are like quilts-they age with you, yet never lose their warmth."

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Two Cows and the Global Economy

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN:  You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.  While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the U.S. to find alternatives, but use the money to buy weapons.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some people who like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both; some vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

From The Kellygram, May 2016

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