JOKES OF THE DAY 051616

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THE COLONEL'S WIFE

While standing in a very long checkout line at the USAF commissary, I started up a conversation with the older gentleman in line ahead of me. Based on his drawl, I could tell he was obviously a Southerner and I really enjoyed listening to stories of things he had done while in the service. He, in turn, asked me about what I did in the USCG, making time pass more pleasantly. Before I knew it, we were at the head of the line. Just as he started to push his cart to the next open register, a middle-aged woman cut in front of him and began putting her groceries on the belt. Before he could say a word, she looked him square in the eye and, in a very rude tone, declared, "I am the Colonel's wife!" Without missing a beat, the retiree put forth his best smile and replied, "Well, Ma'am, you tell him we all just love his chicken!"

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Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls, by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hardwood was traditionally used, this Indian would use cheap pine -- on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that they were only cheap Sioux Veneers.

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Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, "It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

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Boss: I notice you go out and get your hair cut during business hours. Employee: My hair grows during business hours. Boss: But it doesn't all grow during business hours. Employee: I didn't get it all cut.

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women. This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go drive in traffic.

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A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life." So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?' " he asks. "You gave me the wrong key....!"

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