JOKES OF THE DAY 051216

================================================================

The other day I was at one of my favorite eateries, and I got interrupted mid-bite by someone asking me, "Are you...?" I said, "Yes, I'm Dennis Miller. Can we do this later?" He asked, "Do what later? I just wanted to know if you were finished with that ketchup." 

"My girlfriend, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies. "No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore." The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"

================================================================

I always felt those Farm Aid concerts were an awesome idea because I know first-hand how tough it is being a small farmer these days -- especially when the DEA keeps burning your crop before you can harvest. 

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry, because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?

================================================================

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales, I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales this week gets a blowjob." "What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and replied, "The loser gets to give it." 

================================================================

Here's hoping there is no one like this at your workplace. Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money. The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars. 

Jill: Oh, there are Janie and Charlie over there. Mary: Did you know that they didn't sleep together before they married? Jill: Wow! That's unusual these days. Mary: Well, he wanted to, but the line was too long. 

================================================================

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working. Some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major. "So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music." And I shot back, "He's just thankful that I didn't go into psychology." 

At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. "Are you a pole vaulter?" "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

================================================================

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician' s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know." The doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." 

================================================================

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring and passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent invite, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." The married couple walked in. The Pakistani man told them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camels." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals, after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saheeb." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power! In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants and grabbed a firm hold on the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

================================================================

A chief petty officer caught an AWOL sailor as he tried to sneak aboard ship. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation, the petty officer told him, "Sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!" The sailor picked up a broom, but before he could sweep, a tern landed on the handle. The lad picked the tern off and tossed it overboard. The bird lit again on the broom handle, and was again tossed away. On and on, through the night, they went through the same routine. In the morning, when the petty officer inspected, he found the chain still dirty. "What have you been doing all night?" he asked angrily. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

================================================================

The problem with Spell Checker? Text from daughter to mom: "Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?" Text from mom to daughter: "It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out." Daughter back to mom: "Oh my God, mom.......... sorry, I meant to spell gum." 

================================================================