Great Quotes on Sex
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500." Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
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A New Preamble to the Constitution
The following has reportedly been attributed to Lewis Napper, a Jackson Mississippi, computer programmer. He didn't expect his essay -- a tart 10-point list of "rights" Americans don't have -- to become an Internet success.
'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of Non-Rights.'
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteed anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion; but the world is full of dummies, and always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you get the blue juice.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII:
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself a useful citizen.
ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X:
This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you came from, English is our language. Learn it!
Lastly
ARTICLE XI:
You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in God. And you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, get comfortable with it.
(If you agree, share this with a friend. It's about time common sense is allowed to flourish in this country. Sensible people of the United States must speak out, because if you don't the others will !!)
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Should I Really Join Facebook?
A good laugh for people in the over 70 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran
with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes
videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up
under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my
13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the
modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with
only 140 characters of space.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to
live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost
every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that
in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am
supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at
Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards
was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a
little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside
that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long
time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."
You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely
tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a
U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was
not a good relationship...
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,
the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless
phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't
figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around
digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry
baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every
time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on
something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check
out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags
to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just
say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to
stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered,
No, but I do break wind a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to
forward it to those who are.......Not me; I figured your sense of humor
could handle it....
We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the
garage door remote are about all we can handle.
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THE HINGE
Charlie was installing a new door
and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go
to B &Q and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting to be served,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap.
When it was Mary's she asked "How much is that Bath Tap?"
The chap serving replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is £5400.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap.
It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The chap said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom he yelled,
"Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,
"No, but I will for the Bath Tap.
This is why you can't send a woman to
B&Q.
SIX TINY STORIES
{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
**That's FAITH****
{2} When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
**That's TRUST****
{3} Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
**That's HOPE****
{4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
**That's CONFIDENCE****
{5} We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.
**That's LOVE****
{6} On an old man's shirt was written a sentence 'I am now 90 years old....That makes me sweet 16 with 74 years’ experience.’
**That's ATTITUDE****
Have a good week and live your life like the six tiny stories! May you always have love to share, health to spare & friends who care.
-- Have Blessed Day --
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Only in Texas Will You See Signs Like These
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