JOKES OF THE DAY 061116

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The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. 
Pope: "I am the pope." 
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." 
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." 
St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..." 
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..." 
St. Peter: "The Catholic Church...Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check with the Boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on Earth." 
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (He yells for Jesus) 
Jesus: "Yes Father, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room, laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus answers "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

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A blonde is pregnant, and is practically nine months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine checkup, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the baby starts coming and I can't get to the hospital in time?" 
The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were lying in when you got pregnant...." The blonde interrupts doc with, "Do you mean with my left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

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At the local gas utility written orders are issued to change meters when they are old or malfunctioning. On the order sheet is a 'remarks' section -- where the service representative notes any problems that prevented the job from being completed. The most succinct explanation to ever come back was: "DOBERMAN DOES NOT WANT METER TO BE CHANGED!" 

At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride's mother. "You’ve given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..." 
Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "A gift that you can’t return!"

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Over breakfast one morning, a woman asked her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." 
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. 
At 10 AM the doorbell rang and, when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a lovely designer dress. It was a PERFECT fit! The woman just could NOT wait for her husband to come home! "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on a computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was becoming tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test which will take two hours; I will judge who does the better job." Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the Underworld! Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. 
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I've lost EVERYTHING when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all His files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did Jesus do it??!!" 
God shrugged and answered, "Jesus Saves."

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