JOKES OF THE DAY 060916

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A young man took a farm girl into town for a date at a fancy restaurant. While studying the menu she asked, "What's filet mignon?" 

Thinking fast, her date replied, "It's pickled goat's liver. Why? 

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The seven year old spoke to her father "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? 

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" 

"The whole ISIS group," she says. 

"Why them," her father asks in shock? "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore." 

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. " 

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of them."

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One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked spread eagle on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" 

"Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a yard sale.." 

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After not seeing each other for quite some time, two elderly women found themselves at the hairdressers at the same time. After inquiring about each other, one asked her friend how her husband was. "Oh, goodness! Of course you couldn't know. Jayson was out in the garden last week, digging some potatoes for dinner, and he died right there in the potato patch -- from a heart attack!" 

"I'm so terribly sorry dear," her friend replied. "What did you do right away?" 

"I opened a can of green beans and heated leftovers instead." 

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Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped. "Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this." 

"Yeah," Moe answered with a smirk. "but at least I don't eat here."

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