JOKES OF THE DAY 062316

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The year is 2222 and Royce and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. 
"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. 
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" 
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" 
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." 
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. 
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Royce asks "Well, was it any good?" 
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" 
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. 

Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

ü  Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
ü  Saudi Arabia is sending oil and monetary assistance. 
ü  Latin American countries are sending clothing.
ü  New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
ü  The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
ü  Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless President Trump!


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A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!" 

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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck 

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