JOKES OF THE DAY 062716

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A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." 

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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets." 

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Dude takes his brother to a psychiatrist. 
"What's the problem." 
"He thinks he is a chicken." 
"Really, how long has this been going on." 
"About 10 years or so." 
"Well, why didn't you bring him in sooner?" 
"We needed the eggs."

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A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting." 

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Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancé about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

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This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed. Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or cheques, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighborhood. 
Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley 
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Diarrhea Way 
Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive 
Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road 
Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street 
Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave. 
Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane 
Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane 

P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. Don’t break the chain. One Man didn’t give a shit and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!

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