A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she added that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements. The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. She called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president -- who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president's office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He questioned: "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet. Wager. Play the odds."
"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, on professional sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she answered. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The president chuckled, but seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, he agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and departed. As the day wore on, the bank president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday afternoon golf match and went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had 'changed drastically' while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his! The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, whom she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved. The president told her that, sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be OUTGOING, rather than incoming. She insisted on 'examining the evidence for herself,' considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to 'inspect his jewels closely' for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall! The bank president asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?!"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him.... I bet $250,000 that before ten AM today, I'd have the president of the bank by the balls."
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Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be having an affair."
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During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions. "Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"
"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.
"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.
"Certainly not in this case."
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My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
* *Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. * *At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
* *Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
* *The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." * **Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
* *The pharmacist said, "Well, in that case, stay off your bicycle and don't douche for at least a week.
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An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada.
After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.
The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.
The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.
The statistician jumped up and down screaming, 'We got him! We got him!'
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