Thursday, May 19, 2016

JOKES OF THE DAY 051916

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For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.



General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. 
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning 
Guns and children.
 

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! 
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
 

This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female 
Broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
 Troop visiting his military Headquarters. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?


GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?


GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?


GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.


GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?


The broadcast
 went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

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BEER AND SWEET TEA... A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?" 
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes homedrunk on Bud Light he beats me up." 
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty. The husband closed the front door and immediately, he and his wife were furiously making love upstairs -- when, suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house. The husband exclaimed in a mocking manner, "Oh God! NO! That must be your husband coming home!" The wife replied without thinking. "No. Don't worry. He's off on a tour of duty in the Navy for six whole months. Two yet to go!" 

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A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. "Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. Trey’s all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that jerk lies."

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A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good." The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done. The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?" The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara." The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?" "Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now." 

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Out for a walk

So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store, so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?"
The clerk said, "Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

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