RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

 

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.

OOPSIES

 

LAST RIDE

Another one from FB I felt the need to share....

The Man Page

November 15 at 5:19 PM  · 

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. 

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie. 

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. 

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard 

box filled with photos and glassware. 

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. 

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. 

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.' 

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive 

through downtown?' 

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.. 

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice. 

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. 

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked. 

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. 

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. 

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. 

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'. 

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. 

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. 

They must have been expecting her. 

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. 

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse. 

'Nothing,' I said 

'You have to make a living,' she answered. 

'There are other passengers,' I responded. 

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly. 

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.' 

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life.. 

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? 

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. 

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. 

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. 

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY 

WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID ~BUT~THEY WILL 

ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM 

FEEL. 

At the bottom of this great story was a request to forward this - I deleted that request because if you have read to this point, you won't have to be asked to pass it along you just will... 

Thank you, my friend... 

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

092120

Posted at Gateway Pundit: summary of what has been exposed so far

From a friend on FB, so you know it's true....

 Here is the summary of what has been exposed so far. 

Posted at Gateway Pundit:

Dominion serves 40% of the US market. It is in 30 states.

– The state of Texas rejected the machines.

– Smartmatic entered into an agreement with Dominion in 2009

– Smartmatic is connected to Philippine voter fraud

– Smartmatic is run by Lord Mark Malloch Brown who works for George Soros.

– Brown chairs the Boards of a number of non-profit boards including the Open Society Foundation,

– Brown chairs the Centre for Global Development.

– Open society of course is owned by George Soros

– Smartmatic partnered with DLA Piper Global

– Douglas C. Emhoff works at DLA Piper Global

– Douglass C. Emhoff is Kamala Harris’s husband

– Guess who owns Dominion? Blum Capital Partners, L.P. ***

– Guess who is on the board for the company? Richard C. Blum. ***

– Richard C. Blum is husband to Dianne Feinstein. ***

– Nancy Pelosi’s husband is also an investor

– An aide to Nancy Pelosi, Nadeam Elshami, was hired by the Dominion Voting Systems

– Dominion Voting Systems is literally listed on the Clinton Foundation website.

– “The DELIAN Project: Democracy through Technology” is the title of the page.

– Georgia Governor Kemp purchased machines after Texas and Florida rejected

– Dominion Voting has a lobbyist name Jared Thomas

– Jared Thomas was Governor Brian Kemp’s chief of staff and press secretary from 2012 to 2015

– You must remember the Feinstein-Kavanaugh-Soros connections to understand the depth

– Debra Katz (Christine Ford’s lawyer) worked for George-Soros at the Open Society Foundation.

– Debra Katz (Christine Ford’s lawyer) also worked at Project on Government Oversight (POGO).

– POGO is funded by Soros’s Open Society Foundation.

– POGO is the co-signer of the letter Diane Feinstein had on Kavanaugh.

– Kamala Harris did not prosecute OneWest Bank for their fraud

– Soros owned OneWest Bank.

– Now you know why a woman who placed 7th in her state is a VP candidate

WE REMEMBER

 For the last 4+ years, the Democrats have gone scorched earth. You have salted the fields and now you want to grow crops.

The problem is 72+ million of us have memories longer than a hamster.

We remember the women’s march (vagina hats and all) the day after inauguration.

We remember the 4 years of attacks and impeachments

We remember “not our president” and the “Resistance…”

We remember Maxie Walters telling followers to harass us in restaurants.

We remember the Presidents spokesperson being kicked out a restaurant.

We remember hundreds of Trump supporters physically attacked.

We remember Trump supporters getting Doxed, and fired from jobs.

We remember riots, and looting

We remember “a comedian” holding up the President’s severed head

We remember a play in Central park paid with public funding, showing the killing of President Trump

We remember Robert de Niro yelling “F" Trump” at the Tony’s and getting a standing ovation.

We remember Nancy Pelosi tearing up the State of the Union Address.

We remember the total in the tank move on the mainstream media

We remember the non-stop and live fact checking on our President and his supporters.

We remember non-stop in your face lies and open cover-ups from the media.

We remember the President and his staff being spied on.

We remember five Senators shot on a ballfield.

We remember every so-called comedy show turn into nothing but Trump hate fest.

We remember 95% negative coverage in the news.

We remember the state governors asking and getting everything they ask for and then blaming Trump for their problems.

We remember a Trump top aid verbally assaulted in two DC restaurants.

We remember people banging on the Supreme Court doors.

We remember that we were called every name in the book for supporting President Trump.

We remember that Hollywood said they would leave after Trump was elected but they stayed.

This list is endless, but you get the idea.

My friends will be my friends, but a party that has been on the attack for 4 long years does not get a free pass with me!

LESSONS FROM CHARLIE CHAPLIN

 

Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years

He left us 4 statements:

(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.

(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.

(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.

(4) Six best doctors in the world...:

1. The sun

2. Rest

3. Exercise

4. Diet

5. Self-respect

6. Friends

Stick to them at all stages of your life and enjoy a healthy life...

If you see the moon, you will see the beauty of God...

If you see the sun, you will see the power of God...

If you see a mirror, you will see God's best creation. So believe it.

We are all tourists, God is our travel agent who has already identified our routes, bookings and destinations... trust him and enjoy life.

Life is just a journey! Therefore, live today!

Tomorrow may not be.

MARKETING FOR WOMEN

 MARKETING COURSE FOR WOMEN

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is: * You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. ______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________ * You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. ______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________ * You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. ______________________________ ______________________________ ____________________ * You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. ______________________________ ______________________________ ______________________ * You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. ______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________ *You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. ______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________ * Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support. ______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________ * You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Facebook. ______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________ * You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's Donald Trump. ______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________ * You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America !

FROM TRUMP TEAM INSIDER

Ok in a nutshell. This is going to the Supreme Court. Where They will rule that the election is invalid due to fraud or mistakes on a countrywide scale. It will go one of two ways, either they will rule that all the unconstitutional mail-in ballots will be removed and the states ordered to recount without them or they will simply rule the election is invalid due the mass voter fraud and at that point it will be sent to the congress and senate for a vote.

This is where it gets good. The house/congress votes on who the President will be. It has nothing to do with what party has that power. Every State gets one vote and 30 States are held by Republicans and 19 by Democrats. They have to vote down party lines, they have no choice due to the 12th Amendment of the Constitution and the Senate votes for the Vice President where a similar event will take place. This is the law.

This is why the Democrats are so mad at Nancy Pelosi. This will all happen in January. The only way President Trump won’t be President is if he concedes the election and that will never happen.

So, stop watching the fake news and don’t let your heart be troubled and live your life knowing this will all work out. President Trump will remain President.

I have researched all of this and it is Fact! Another fun fact, they called Gore the President Elect for 30 days in 2000 until the courts ruled against him and declared Bush the willer. And two people that were part of Bush’s legal team were none other than new Supreme Court Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett. Why do you think the Democrats tried so hard to keep them from being confirmed?

ARTICLE

AND THIS

Mark Levin and Kenneth Starr are discussing what’s likely to happen next:

SEEMS JOE IS NOT SO POPULAR

 This is pretty strange,,,I watched Joe's speech live on FB and noticed the comments from random FB members streaming on the side and snapped the as they went. It seems Joe is not that popular....

THE SCROTUM MIRACLE

 The scrotum miracle

Last Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.

"Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Bob." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum .

One crisp winter morning Greta woke up to a perfect world....

 One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked.

“Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.

“What happened to the carpet?” she asked.

“The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.

Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.

“Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”

“Where’s the water?” asked Greta.

“Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, “Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it.”

“Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.

“Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?”

There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .

“What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.

"Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”

“How so, raw?” inquired Greta.

“Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.

“But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.

“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”

“What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.”

“Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based.

Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”

This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.

Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.

Anonymous FB

THE RETIREMENT PLAN

 THINK ABOUT IT!!!

No nursing home for me.... I’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn! 

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. 

I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night. 

Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. 

That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. 

Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. 

Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. 

$5-worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 

They treat you like a customer, not a patient. 

There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. 

The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. 

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. 

While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. 

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today . 

And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. 

Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too. 

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. 

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . Or the undertaker. 

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. 

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. 

The grand-kids can use the pool. 

What more could I ask for? 

Anonymous from FB