Thursday, May 27, 2010

Gun Control

Remember that every day above ground is a good day, so have a great day....unless you have made other plans!!

The Attitude We Want

A man seeking to join a Texas Sheriffs dept. in San
Angelo is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says,
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this
pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six
Muslim extremists, six Liberal Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asks.

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

State Mottoes That Didn't Quite Make It

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't
Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't
Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We
Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou
Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
R Gud

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not
ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You
Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower
Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of
Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And
10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better
About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax
Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About
Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A
##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To
Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are
One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's
What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember
The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is
Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says
Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese and smell our Dairy Air.

Wyoming: Where Men Are
Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!

California v Texas

Governors of California and Texas are jogging with their dog along
a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

California :

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"

and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is


#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and

spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200

testing it for diseases.

#4.. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for

diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife

services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear

of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote

awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better

handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack

and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10.. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the


Texas :

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent

$0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead


Any wonder why California is broke????

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Bird Feeder

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table .. everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .... quiet, serene.... and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see. Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one ' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Sweet Tea Amazing Cure!

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "Well, we need to put a stop to that! I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Thursday, May 6, 2010