Thursday, January 29, 2009



Neal Boortz
@ January 29, 2009
Okay, so this is a little bit of a departure from our normal topics here, but, what they hey! Here's what you need to do RIGHT NOW. Get out your cell phone and add a contact called ICE. That stands for In Case of Emergency. Then put in the person you want contacted when some EMT finds you smashed up and unconscious in your car or in some other situation where you can't call for yourself. We have confirmation from law enforcement that they do indeed look for this contact. So save them a few minutes and pop it in there now.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by



Well, how about some " BUTT ICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass


To the Islamic World

We are not your enemy. Please stop persecuting and attacking Christians and Jews. Why can't we all just get along???

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Outragious Commercials


Rock and Roll FOREVER!


Don't mess with her spot!


Week of 1/19/09- The week that was

Friday, January 23, 2009

And a FEEL-GOOD story every once in a while


In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a newvoice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register4. Kurtis was almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, anddecided to answer the call. As he approached the check-out stand adistant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful.She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and he fell inlove.Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punchclock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiledsoftly at him, took her card and punched out, then left. He looked ather card, BRENDA. He walked out only to see her start walking up theroad. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, andoffered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she accepted.When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again,outside of work. She simply said it wasn't possible.He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn'tafford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter.Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the followingSaturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have hertell him that she was unable to go with him.The baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simplysaid, "Well, let's take the kids with us."She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, butagain not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda,brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older daughterwho was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, then Brenda broughtout her son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with DownSyndrome.Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still don't understand why the kids can'tcome with us?" Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from awoman with two kids, especially if one had disabilities - just likeher first husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was notordinary - - - he had a different mindset.That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner andthe movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care ofhim. When he needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of hiswheelchair, took him and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. Atthe end of the evening, Brenda knew this was the man she was going tomarry and spend the rest of her life with. A year later, they weremarried and Kurtis adopted both of her children.Since then they have added two more kids.So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-outgirl?Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he iscurrently employed as the quarterback of the National Football LeagueArizona Cardinals and has his Cardinals in the hunt for a possibleappearance in the Super Bowl. Is this a surprise ending or could youhave guessed that he was not an ordinary person.It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams in Super BowlXXXVI.He has also been the NLF's Most Valuable Player twice and the SuperBowl'sMost Valuable Player. For those of you who don't know this: Kurtis isa Christian and proclaims it every chance he gets

So poor they have to share a guitar

Just breaks your heart, doesn't it?

Thursday, January 22, 2009

MSNBC reports that a sneak attack from an aggressive Marine unit slaughtered a civilian reception for journalists.

The Aggressor

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a
tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists
in Iraq . The leader of the Iraqi terrorists told them
he'd grant each of them one last request before they
were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, ''Well, I'm a Southerner,
so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.''
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned
with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said,
''Now I can die content.''

Charlie Gibson said, ''I live in New York , so
I'd like to hear the song The Moon and Me' one
last time..'' The terrorist's leader nodded to
another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew
the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians andplayed the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, ''I'm a reporter to the
end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the
scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday,
someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till
the end.'' The leader directed an aide to hand
over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.
He then said, ''Now I can die happy.''

The leader turned and said, ''And now, Mr. US
Marine, what is your final wish?''

''Kick me in the ass,'' said the Marine.

''What?'' asked the Islamic terrorist,
'You will mock us in your last hour?''

''No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me
in the ass,'' insisted the Marine.

So the terrorist shoved him into the yard and kicked him
in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his
knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and
shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied
his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed
the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and
sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another dozen!

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, ''Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?''

''What!?!'' replied the Marine,''and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor?''

ED Treatment Carried To The Next Level

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Proud to be an American

I am very proud to live in a country that can have a peaceful Onauguration, a smooth transfer of power, and football games without without murderous riots after.

Mars vs. Venus

This really says it!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Eight Commonly Misinterpreted Songs

Eight Commonly Misinterpreted Songs

In college, I took a class called "The Author's Intention," which analyzed whether readers (and even the authors themselves) can ever really understand the meaning behind a piece of writing. When we read a poem or a story, we bring our own experiences into the text and that often yields vastly different interpretations. Thus, the meanings of things such as songs, which can be interpreted as poems set to music, become blurred and stretch far from what their writers might have originally intended.
Because many of us use music as an outlet for our deepest feelings, we are often shocked when the meanings that we have given to certain songs prove false. Just as some literary works are commonly misinterpreted, there are songs with meanings that are consistently misinterpreted. All too often, we find out that the songs we put on mix tapes for our crushes, or those we listen to on repeat in the midst of bad breakups, were written from a completely different view.
1. "Born in the U.S.A.," Bruce Springsteen
Almost everybody knows the chorus of this song, but fewer know the rest of the lyrics, which is why Springsteen loudly singing, "I was born in the U.S.A." is often taken as a patriotic proclamation. However, it's really about veterans returning from the Vietnam War and facing the harsh realities of how they're treated post-war. The misinterpretation only grew after both Ronald Reagan and Bob Dole used the song on their campaign playlists.
2. "Losing My Religion," R.E.M.
When Michael Stipe sang about being in a corner and losing his religion, he wasn't referring to a relationship with a higher power, as many believe. To "lose one's religion" is actually a Southern phrase that means to run out of patience or to be very frustrated by a person or situation. This song is actually about having a crush on somebody and constantly looking for assurances that the love is not unrequited.
3. "Every Breath You Take," The Police
How many people foolishly chose this song for their first dance as newlyweds? I'm not sure why this song is misinterpreted so universally as a love song. Do people listen to lyrics? If someone says to you, "Every game you play, every night you stay, I'll be watching you," wouldn't you be more than a little creeped out? I guess that's the power of Sting—even his stalker anthems are considered romantic.
4. "Hollaback Girl," Gwen Stefani
I've gotten into arguments with people over this song. Many believe it means that, by not being a "hollaback girl," Stefani is saying that she won't respond to guys who "holla" at her or treat her poorly. Actually, she's using a cheerleading metaphor—a hollaback girl is one who repeats back the cheers that the head cheerleader yells. With this song, Stefani is stepping away from the pack and proclaiming herself independent. She's the head cheerleader giving orders, not one of the cheerleaders who simply repeat them back.
5. "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," The Beatles
Many assume that this song refers to drug use, especially since the capitalized words in the title start with the same letters used to denote a particular hallucinogenic drug. However, John Lennon stated that the origins of the title come from a drawing that his son did of his friend, Lucy. The title of the picture was "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," so John used that for his song. Whether the actual meaning behind the song is about drug use is debatable, but the title itself is not meant to refer to an LSD trip.
6. "Crash into Me," Dave Matthews Band
I'm pretty sure I put this song on a mix CD I made for a crush my sophomore year of high school. At the time, I thought it was a beautiful love song about longing for someone else. Well, it is … but the person singing is actually a perv! These lines give him away: "Oh I watch you there through the window and I stare at you. You wear nothing but you wear it so well." How did I miss the peeping tom aspect? The part about him wanting to be "tied up and twisted" is a bit off-putting as well …
7. "The One I Love," R.E.M.
It sounds like the perfect song for a radio dedication when Michael Stipe sings, "This one goes out to the one I love." Oh, except until he gets to the line about the one he loves being "a simple prop to occupy my time." Ouch! This song hardly inspires romantic feelings; actually, it makes Stipe seem like kind of a jerk. He's basically saying the one he "loves" is nothing more than a waste of his time that he's abandoned. Not exactly an uplifting declaration of true love, but people seem to focus on that first line before listening to the rest of the song, hence the constant misinterpretation.
8. "This Land Is Your Land," Woody Guthrie
I remember singing this song in elementary school and thinking it sounded so pleasant and positive. It's actually a critique of the idealistic version of the U.S. that Irving Berlin sang about in "God Bless America." His displeasure is subtle, but made obvious upon careful examination of lines like "As I was walkin', I saw a sign there and that sign said—No trespassin'. But on the other side, it didn't say nothin'! Now that sign was made for you and me!" This song is often grouped with "God Bless America" as patriotic tunes, but Guthrie had the opposite intention.

What music essentially boils down to is not necessarily the meaning songs are meant to convey, but what meanings we actually derive from them. After all, more important than what messages artists intend to get across is their desire for people to connect with the music. However, considering how striking the differences are between what the aforementioned songs mean and how they're interpreted, it might be wise to stick to the author's version. I know I'll think twice before putting "Crash into Me" on my next mix CD.

Not just for making coffee

COFFEE FILTERS: Not just for making coffee....

1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave. Coffee filters make
excellent covers.

2. Clean windows and mirrors. Coffee filters are lint-free so they'll leave
windows sparkling.

3 Protect China . Separate your good dishes by putting a coffee filter between
each dish.

4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork whenopening a wine
bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter.

5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the skillet to absorb
moisture and prevent rust.

6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter.

7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through a sieve lined with a
coffee filter.

8. Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a coffee filter on a
kitchen scale.

9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy jobs.

10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant pot with a
coffee filter to prevent the soil from going through the drainage holes.

11. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes as needed in a
coffee filter

12. Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows? Use strips of coffee

13. Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon, french fries, chicken
fingers, etc on them. Soaks out all the grease.

14. Keep in the bathroom. They make great "razor nick fixers."

Greenland perspective

US Air Force C-130

Even if you aren't in the service you can appreciate this one.

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pumptruck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,
stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'