Monday, September 27, 2010

A BUSINESS OFFER FOR YOU

A BUSINESS OFFER FOR YOU

By Porter Stansberry
Saturday, August 21, 2010

I'd like to make you a business offer.

Seriously. This is a real offer. In fact, you really can't turn me down, as you'll come to understand in a moment...

Here's the deal. You're going to start a business or expand the one you've got now. It doesn't really matter what you do or what you're going to do. I'll partner with you no matter what business you're in – as long as it's legal.

But I can't give you any capital – you have to come up with that on your own. I won't give you any labor – that's definitely up to you. What I will do, however, is demand you follow all sorts of rules about what products and services you can offer, how much (and how often) you pay your employees, and where and when you're allowed to operate your business. That's my role in the affair: to tell you what to do.

Now in return for my rules, I'm going to take roughly half of whatever you make in the business each year. Half seems fair, doesn't it? I think so. Of course, that's half of your profits.

You're also going to have to pay me about 12% of whatever you decide to pay your employees because you've got to cover my expenses for promulgating all of the rules about who you can employ, when, where, and how. Come on, you're my partner. It's only "fair."

Now... after you've put your hard-earned savings at risk to start this business, and after you've worked hard at it for a few decades (paying me my 50% or a bit more along the way each year), you might decide you'd like to cash out – to finally live the good life.

Whether or not this is "fair" – some people never can afford to retire – is a different argument. As your partner, I'm happy for you to sell whenever you'd like... because our agreement says, if you sell, you have to pay me an additional 20% of whatever the capitalized value of the business is at that time.

I know... I know... you put up all the original capital. You took all the risks. You put in all of the labor. That's all true. But I've done my part, too. I've collected 50% of the profits each year. And I've always come up with more rules for you to follow each year. Therefore, I deserve another, final 20% slice of the business.

Oh... and one more thing...

Even after you've sold the business and paid all of my fees... I'd recommend buying lots of life insurance. You see, even after you've been retired for years, when you die, you'll have to pay me 50% of whatever your estate is worth.

After all, I've got lots of partners and not all of them are as successful as you and your family. We don't think it's "fair" for your kids to have such a big advantage. But if you buy enough life insurance, you can finance this expense for your children.

All in all, if you're a very successful entrepreneur... if you're one of the rare, lucky, and hard-working people who can create a new company, employ lots of people, and satisfy the public... you'll end up paying me more than 75% of your income over your life. Thanks so much.

I'm sure you'll think my offer is reasonable and happily partner with me... but it doesn't really matter how you feel about it because if you ever try to stiff me – or cheat me on any of my fees or rules – I'll break down your door in the middle of the night, threaten you and your family with heavy, automatic weapons, and throw you in jail.

That's how civil society is supposed to work, right? This is Amerika, isn't it?

That's the offer Amerika gives its entrepreneurs. And the idiots in Washington wonder why there are no new jobs...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Perfect Guy

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Bill."

Passenger:
'Who?'

Cabbie:
"Bill Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Bill Feldman every single time."

Passenger:
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie:
"Not Bill Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger:
"Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie:
"There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with . . . He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Bill Feldman,he could do everything right.."

Passenger:
"Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie:
"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Bill, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Bill Feldman."

Passenger:
"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie:
"Well, I never actually met Bill. He died ..... I'm married to his widow."

Friday, September 24, 2010

Looking for work

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's testicles, we put them into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work".


The German doctor comments: "That´s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".

A Russian doctor says: That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

The US doctor answers immediately: That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us . . . . in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls . . . . . we made him President and now the whole country is looking for work!!!!!

Have a wonderful day, "Its better to aim for the moon and miss then to aim for a pile of crap and hit it!"

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Maybe we want them on our side

Yea Team! Don't mess with Israel!

What you are about to watch is an actual event.

Israeli forces filmed this in actual time.
What you see is a fully armored Syrian tank being hit by an Israeli
laser-guided, steel-penetrating, phosphorous-filled "hand held" rocket.
The rocket is small, very portable and is a tightly controlled weapon, each one is accounted for when they are checked out and back in. There must be no fewer than 2 soldiers present to verify the use, one must be a senior officer with a minimum of 10 years military service. (Sorry, the name and program is kept secret.)

This tank was headed for one of Israel 's settlements, there were four more tanks one mile to the rear of this tank. (They turned around before getting to this area.)

You can hear the ammunition going off after the initial strike. No tank member survived this event. DUH !!!!

video

Friday, September 17, 2010

Small boy lost Grandpa at the mall




He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Miller Lite and women with big boobs."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

THE WINNER OF DOG OBEDIENCE SCHOOL TRAINING

BEAUTIFUL! Latest MARS pictures!




Changes Obama has made to the lexicon

"The War on Terror" became an "Overseas Contingency Operation."

"Welfare checks" became "tax cuts."

"Illegal immigrants" became "undocumented workers."

"Economic stimulus" became "investments."

"Global warming" became "climate change."

"The Bush tax cuts" became "the Obama tax cuts for the middle class."

"Freedom of speech" became "hate speech."

"Protecting our borders" became "racist."

"The financial sector" became "greedy Wall Street fat cats."

"Unions" became "struggling middle class Americans."

Monday, September 13, 2010

Those fabulous Jewish Comedians


Those fabulous Jewish Comedians 



You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville
days:

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are
a few examples:





* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to
the airport.



* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife
ever finds out, she'll kill me!



* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's
making love? "Honey, I'm home!"



* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.



* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.



* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a water bed. My wife
called it the Dead Sea .



* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.



* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay
his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.



* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check
came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"



* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient: "I am 60!"  Doctor:
"See! What did I tell you?"



* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."   Doctor: "Don't
answer!"



* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."



* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.



The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to
the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.





There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from medical school.





Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.



Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!





A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" " Not too
good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why
are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"


The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
with food if you should call."





A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play. She asks,

"What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish
husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part."



Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be
a nuisance to anybody."





Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We
won. Let's eat.





Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.





Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.





Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

I had a dream....

Friday, September 10, 2010

50th Anniversar.

A couple were celebrating 50 years together.. Their three
kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in
their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one
.... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

Thursday, September 2, 2010

XTRA!!!! Murder at WalMart!

MURDER AT WALMART

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for nuffing out a spouse was $5,000.


The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... (You're going to hate me for this...)


'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!' Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.