Sunday, May 31, 2015


Mohammad Becomes An Irishman

8 year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. 

"Mohammad," he replied. 

 "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. 

Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. 

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. 

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again. 

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. 

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. 

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked and beat by two radical racist Muslims."


I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly-scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier. As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there. My, aren't you pretty today, and what a fine looking dog you have." 

"Thank you, sir," she replied, "And what a nice day this is, isn't it?" 

"Yes, it is," I answered. "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing." 

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me. Isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile. 

"Yes, very pretty" I answered. "By the way, what's your dog's name?" 

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky,' isn't that cute?" 
"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky,' because he's a little fat?" 

"Oh, no!" she replied with a smile, "It's because he screws pigs!"

Saturday, May 30, 2015



An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. 

"What happened?" she asks. 

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"


A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly. 

The pilot speaks over the intercom ..." I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ". Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease. 

 Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'". "Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" 

There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence. 

 " C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?" Still there is silence. 

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?" 

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"......

Friday, May 29, 2015




Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey.

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A: He was half nuts!!!

Q: What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A: Collecting her thoughts.

Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.

Q: What's 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.

Q: What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.

Q: How can you tell a macho woman?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.

Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on.

Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo bees.

Today their eyes are open

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. 

"Kittens," little Suzy said. 

"How old are they?" asked Obama. 

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." 

"And what kind of kittens are they?" 

 "Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile. 

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens. So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." 

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans." 

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS." 

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.But today, they have their eyes open.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015



Back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . .
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . .
Again . . . .
and again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . .
totally exhausted . . . .

she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug devil, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

Tuesday, May 26, 2015


Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning. One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder. With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy. Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way. Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!"


Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

01) I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

02) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

03) Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

04) If all is not lost, where is it?

05) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

06) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

07) It was all so different before everything changed.

08) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

09) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

10) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

11) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

Waitress Inappropiately Touched Appropriately Decks Perpetrator

Top 10 Pornstar Dating Tips

Useful for the type of people PORN STARS date


Solar Impulse 'Moment of Truth'

Nanjing - The Solar Impulse 2 was set to take off from Nanjing, China on Tuesday, heading out on a six-day journey to Hawaii, but a bad weather forecast has dampened the chances of a takeoff. The two-man team is left to sit tight and wait for a favorable window.