Saturday, November 28, 2009

do whatever you want

Four guys spend weeks planning the perfect football outing for an away  game between the Auburn Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

On game day, two days later, the three get to the stadium site only to find Frank already sitting in his seat with a beer in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

 "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

 "Well, I've been here since yesterday. The other evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

 I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.  She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!  She told  me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and so I did.


And then she said "Now, do whatever you want."

 So here I am!!!

Monday, November 23, 2009


Senior health care solution according to Maxine

So you're a senior citizen and the government says
no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan
gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison
where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head,
and all the health care you need! New teeth,
no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same
government that just told you that you are too old
for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner,
you don't have to pay any stoopid old income taxes


Experiment in Corporate Productivity

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Obama economy is so bad.

The Obama economy is so bad...
* Creflo Dollar had to change his name to Creflo Quarter
* Politicians are offering layaway plans for bribes
* Dollar Stores now have signs that say, "Just Four Easy Payments
of $0.25!"
"Made in Taiwan" is now considered a designer label
* Everyone showed up to your Halloween party as a hobo * - and
they weren't wearing costumes
* David Letterman had to write one of his own jokes
* They had to close the Starbucks across the street from the
* Betty Crocker started a new product line called "Roadkill
* If you call in the next 10 minutes you get nothing extra, but
you still have to pay additional shipping and handling
* When a woman says she'll give you a blow job, your first thought
is employment opportunity
* Lesbians are wearing flannel shirts - to keep warm
* We're finally protecting our borders - to keep Americans from
sneaking into Mexico
* J.C. Penney is now called J.C.I.O.U.
* I got a letter that says I'm pre-declined for a credit card
* CBS can only afford to film 20 minutes worth of 60 minutes
* The "Special" at my grocery store is "Buy One, Get One"
* eHarmony is allowing sheep to register for potential dates
* Police have to use prank hand buzzers instead of tasers (don't
hand-buzz me, bro)
* Joel Osteen is now preaching the Austerity Gospel
* I won't take credit for writing these jokes without sufficient
Stolen from Twitter...
* A picture is now only worth 200 words
* Kenya now claims Barack Obama wasn't born there
* It only takes one lick to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll
* When I get a message from the bank about "insufficient funds" I
wonder if it means me or them
* Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore
* Chicago politicians are laying off judges

Thursday, November 19, 2009

It Don't Cost Nothing to be Nice

A beautiful life lesson and one of
the best of Bear Bryant's legacy.

It Don't Cost Nothing to be Nice

At a Touchdown Club meeting many years before his death Coach Paul Bear Bryant told the following:

I had just been named the new head coach at Alabama and was off in my old car down in South Alabama recruiting a prospect who was supposed to have been a pretty good player and I was having trouble finding the place.

Getting hungry I spied an old cinder block building with a small sign out front that simply said Restaurant. I pull up go in and every head in the place turns to stare at me. Seems I'm the only white in the place. But the food smelled good so I skip the tables and go to a cement bar and sit. A big ole man in a tee shirt and cap comes over and says "What do you need?"

I told him I needed lunch and what did they have today?

He said "You probably won't like it here. Today we're having chitlins, collared greens and black eyed peas with cornbread. I'll bet you don't even know what chitlins (small intestines of hogs fried as food in the deep South) are, do you?"

I looked him square in the eye and said "I'm from Arkansas I've probably eaten a mile of them. Sounds like I'm in the right place."

They all smiled as he left to serve me up a big plate. When he comes back he says "You ain't from around here then?"

I explain I'm the new football coach up in Tuscaloosa at the University and I'm here to find whatever that boy's name was and he says:

"Yeah I've heard of him, he's supposed to be pretty good". And he gives me directions to the school so I can meet him and his coach. As I'm paying up to leave, I remember my manners and leave a tip, not too big to be flashy, but a good one and he told me lunch was on him but I told him for a lunch that good I felt I should pay.

The big man asked me if I had a photograph or something he could hang up to show I'd been there. I was so new that I didn't have any yet. It really wasn't that big a thing back then to be asked for but I took a napkin and wrote his name and address on it and told him I'd get him one.

I met the kid I was lookin' for later that afternoon and I don't remember his name, but do remember I didn't think much of him when I met him. I had wasted a day or so I thought.

When I got back to Tuscaloosa late that night, I took that napkin from my shirt pocket and put it under my keys so I wouldn't forget it. Back then I was excited that anybody would want a picture of me. The next day we found a picture and I wrote on it "Thanks for the best lunch I've ever had."

Let's go a whole buncha years down the road. Now we have black players at Alabama and I'm back down in that part of the country scouting an offensive lineman we sure needed. Y'all remember (and I forget the name, but it's not important to the story), well anyway, he's got two friends going to Auburn and he tells me he's got his heart set on Auburn too, so I leave empty handed and go on see some others while I'm down there.

Two days later, I'm in my office in Tuscaloosa and the phone rings and it's this kid who just turned me down and he says "Coach, do you still want me at Alabama?"

And I said "Yes I sure do."

And he says OK, he'll come.

And I say "Well son what changed your mind?"

And he said "When my grandpa found out I had a chance to play for you and said no, he pitched a fit and told me I wasn't going nowhere but Alabama and wasn't playing for nobody but you. He thinks a lot of you and has ever since y'all met."

Well I didn't know his granddad from Adam's housecat so I asked him who his granddaddy was and he said:

"You probably don't remember him but you ate in his restaurant your first year at Alabama and you sent him a picture that he's had hung in that place ever since.

That picture is his pride and joy and he still tells everybody about the day Bear Bryant came in and had chitlins with him."

"My grandpa said that when you left there he never expected you to remember him or to send him that picture but you kept your word to him - and to Grandpa that's everything. He said you could teach me more than football and I had to play for a man like you so I guess I'm going to."

I was floored. But I learned the lessons my Mama taught me were always right. It don't cost nothing to be nice. It don't cost nothing to do the right thing most of the time and it costs a lot to lose your good name by breaking your word to someone.

When I went back to sign that boy I looked up his Grandpa and he's still running that place but it looks a lot better now and he didn't have chitlins that day but he had some ribs that woulda made Dreamland proud and I made sure I posed for a lot of pictures. And don't think I didn't leave some new ones for him, along with a signed football.

I made it clear to all my assistants to keep this story and these lessons in mind when they're out on the road. If you remember anything else from me remember this: It really doesn't cost anything to be nice and the rewards can be unimaginable.

By Coach Paul Bear Bryant

Editor's Note:

Coach Bryant was in the presence of these gentlemen at The Touchdown Club for only a short time but defined himself for life. Regardless of our profession we do define ourselves by how we treat others and how we behave in the presence of others. And most of the time we have only minutes or seconds to leave a lasting impression. We can be rude, crude, arrogant, cantankerous or we can be nice. Nice is always a better choice.

I like what Stephen Grellet, French/American religious
leader, 1773-1855, said "I expect to pass through the world but once. Any good therefore I can do, or any kindness I can show to any creature let me do it now. Let me not defer it for I shall not pass this way again."

In God We Still Trust

Author Unknown

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Let's see if you send it back. We all know or knew someone like this!!

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,

I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.

His name was Kyle.

It looked like he was carrying all of his books.

I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a

He must really be a nerd.'

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my
friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.

As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.

They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him
so he landed in the dirt..

His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet
from him..

He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around
looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.

As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks.'

They really should get lives.

' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'

There was a big smile on his face.

It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.

I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.

As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen
him before..

He said he had gone to private school before now.

I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.

We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.

He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.

I asked him if he wanted to play a little football
with my friends

He said yes.

We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I
liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books

I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious
muscles with this pile of books everyday!

' He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends..

When we were seniors we began to think about college.

Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.

I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never

be a problem.

He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football

Kyle was valedictorian of our class.

I teased him all the time about being a nerd.

He had to prepare a speech for graduation..

I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak

Graduation day, I saw Kyle.

He looked great.

He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.

He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.

He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.

Boy, sometimes I was jealous!

Today was one of those days.

I could see that he was nervous about his speech.

So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!'

He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and

' Thanks,' he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began

'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through
those tough years..

Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach....but mostly
your friends....

I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best
gift you can give them.

I am going to tell you a story.'

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the
first day we met.

He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.

He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have
to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.

He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.

'Thankfully, I was saved.

My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable..'

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told
us all about his weakest moment.

I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful

Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions..

With one small gesture you can change a person's life.

For better or for worse.

God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.

Look for God in others.

You now have two choices, you can :

1) Pass this on to your friends or

2) Delete it and act like it

didn't touch your heart.

As you can see, I took choice number 1.

'Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble
remembering how to fly.'

There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow is a mystery..

But today is a gift.
That is why they call it

It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send
this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.

If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.



Thursday, November 5, 2009

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

New European Style Grocery

Aldi's now in the Bham area

Aldi Grocery Stores - Birmingham Area, Gadsden, Decatur, AL
Their high quality brands are different so as you leave after your first visit you may not feel inclined to return. The following memories will draw you back and make a regular of you: $1.49 for a gallon of milk (Limit 5 gallons), 18 ounce strawberry preserves $1.39, 11 ounce mandarin oranges $.45 , 3 pounds of Golden Delicious Apples $.99 (a special), cucumbers $.39, 3 multicolored bell peppers $1.99 or less, 14 ounce Peanut M & M $2.39, 5 vine ripe tomatoes on stem $.99 (a special), not from concentrate orange juice $2.39. Price, except for milk and preserves may vary as some of these are specials which may be replaced by others from week to week.

Buy their large plastic container of Pizzelle Italian Cookies near front entry with forty 4" diameter thin delicate delicious cookies in 4 packs $2.69. I ate a pack before getting out of their parking lot. Similar to the light colored ones in picture.

Italian Pizzelle Waffle Cookies

Type of food and prices are displayed on wall or a board above each item with large letters and price. Cashiers sit in a comfortable office chair. Conveyor system at check out is specially designed, so cashier can be a speed demon and check a huge cart in about a minute.

Cash or debit card only. No checks or credit cards. Murray

Aldi Store 1
428 Green Springs Highway
Homewood, AL 35209
9:00-8:00 Mon-Sat. 10:00-7:00 Sun
Just south of Oxmoor road, on right.

Charlie S. 4/26/2009 Aldi is a grocery store unique to anything I've been to. Style is popular in Europe. Whole idea is for Aldi to save on overhead and pass savings on as lower priced groceries.

Bring a quarter and bring grocery bags. Use quarter to get shopping cart. Insert it into a mechanism attached to each cart. When you return cart, and reconnect to other carts, quarter pops out to reclaim. So Aldi doesn't have to pay someone to gather carts from parking lot.

Food is so cheap. You will see their name brands but not many brands you know, but there is little difference in taste and quality. Off brand Frosted Flakes $1.59 and regular bran flakes $1.09. At other stores, Kellog's brand cereal is $4 or more.

Canned foods are cheap. $.49 for stewed tomatoes, cream of mushroom and canned corn. $.95 for 1 lb. bag of frozen corn. Pork tenderloin $3.99 a lb.

You won't find everything you need, but will be amazed how quickly you fill cart and how little you pay at register. I highly recommend everyone go here. If you get what you can at Aldi and go across the street to Publix for the few things you can't do without, you will be amazed at the savings.

Bring grocery bags (plastic or paper bags, tote bags) or paper buy paper sacks for $.06 and large plastic bags for $.10.

Store 2
7400 Crestwood Blvd
Birmingham, AL 35210
9:00-8:00 Mon-Sat. 10:00-7:00 Sun
Adjacent to Sears at Century Plaza

Store 3
5960 Chalkville Road
Trussville, AL 35235
9:00-8:00 Mon-Sat. 10:00-7:00 Sun

Sheila L. 8/11/2009 I love the ease of this store. It's quick to get in and get out. They don't bag your groceries, but put them back in cart. Bag-your-own place. Bring bags, purchase bags there or go free style in the trunk.

A bare bones operation with mostly private label brands. With few exceptions I've enjoyed their items. Granola cereals are wonderful and who can turn down a gallon of milk for $1.49. Fit & Active brand has a fairly large selection of items for the health conscious and they've all hit the mark on taste. Produce selection is adequate, but no fresh herbs or unusual items. Pack of tri-colored bell peppers is a steal.

Store 4
520 Gene Reed Road
Birmingham, AL 35206
9:00-8:00 Mon-Sat. 10:00-7:00 Sun

Store 5
710 Academy Drive
Bessemer, AL 35022
9:00-8:00 Mon-Sat. 10:00-7:00 Sun

Store 6
200 North Hood Avenue
Gadsden, AL 35903
9:00-8:00 Mon-Sat. 10:00-7:00 Sun

Store 7
1000 Belt Line Road
Decatur, AL 35601
9:00-8:00 Mon-Sat. 10:00-7:00 Sun

How Aldi Grocery Stores Dramatically Reduce Your Grocery Bill
By Alonzo January 10, 2009

Every time I leave my Aldi store I have a smile about how much money I just saved. If you have not shopped at Aldi’s you are missing one of the best secrets in the grocery industry. Business analysts have taken notice.

When you first visit an Aldi store you will see a Spartan interior. No flashy window displays, no large sales signs, no extras like photo processing, floral, deli, bakery. Products are in same cardboard boxes they were shipped in. Instead of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran you’ll find Millville Raisin Bran. Instead of Hunt’s chocolate pudding you will find Mr. Pudding. And rock bottom prices for canned goods, dairy products, produce, meats, eggs, cookies, crackers, candy, chips, preserves.

Aldi is a German owned deep discount no frills grocery chain. Name is short for Albrecht Discounts. They also own Trader Joes food stores. Aldi entered the U.S. market in 1976, with a handful of stores in southeastern Iowa. Now, nearly 1,000 U.S. Aldi stores are spreading the savings from Kansas to the East Coast. In its 2008 report, Progressive Grocer ranked Aldi 25th in U.S. grocery chains in terms of gross sales. High ranking considering its size. The secret to their success is obsession with cutting costs:

Reduced Labor Costs: Very few employees are in the store, usually 2 or 3. No butchers, bakers, pharmacists. Customers bag their own groceries. Want a shopping cart? Insert a quarter which you get back when you return cart. No need to hire one or two employees to walk parking lot returning carts to store.

Limited Selection: Costs are controlled by Aldi’s selection being more limited than typical grocery stores. They carriy 1,300 items compared to 30,000 items at a typical large supermarket. These are fast moving items which helps prevent spoilage loss. Building cost is much less than for larger stores. Money is also saved because less labor needed to stock fewer products.

Smaller Stores: Since Aldi stores are much smaller than typical supermarkets, utility costs are much lower. Store hours are more limited, 9:00-8:00 and 10:00-7:00 Sunday, saving even more costs.

Cash and Debit Cards Only: Cash is king at Aldi. You cannot use credit cards. Saves the store paying credit card transaction costs.

High Quality Store Brand Products: Aldi carries only a few national brand products. Instead it focuses on its high quality line of store brands, from Millville cereal to Sweet Harvest fruit cocktail. These store brand products harken to its European roots where store brands are known for their popularity and consistent high quality.

They have to be high quality because chain’s reputation depends on this. In order to keep customers coming back they must provide great tasting products. Aldi conducts weekly blind taste tests of its store brand products comparing them to name brand counterparts in most other stores. So confident is Aldi that it offers customers a money back guarantee on all store brands.

I save consistently at Aldi supermarkets. I enjoy their store brand products and save big on juice, cereal, snack foods, canned goods, dairy products, vegetables and fruit. Due to their more limited selections I can’t fulfill all of my grocery needs at Aldi, but I’ll typically save between 30-50% versus comparable supermarket prices.

This seems to be in line with Aldi’s estimates of savings. They claim you save 40-50% at Aldi compared to conventional grocery stores and save 16-24% over large discount stores.