Thursday, April 30, 2009

You evil right-wingers better watch out!

Barack Obama decided to celebrate his 100th day in office by hosting town hall meetings. At one of the meetings in St. Louis, Obama decided that he was going to address all you evil right-wingers who got out there to protest of tax day. When asked a question about fiscal discipline (something Obama knows nothing about) and entitlement reform, here is what he had to say:

"Those of you who are watching certain news channels on which I'm not very popular, and you see folks waving tea bags around ... let me just remind them that I am happy to have a serious conversation about how we are going to cut our health care costs down over the long term, how we are going to stabilize Social Security. But ... let's not play games and pretend that the reason [for the deficit] is because of the Recovery Act."

So there you have it. If you watch FoxNews or attended a tea party .. Obama would like to have a "serious" conversation with you.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Bailout explained again

 
   The Dead  Horse

    Young  Chuck ,  in Montana ,  bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

    The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

    The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news... the horse died."

    Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

    The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

    Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

    The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

    Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

    The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

    Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he's
dead."

    A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened
with that dead horse?"

    Chuck said, "I raffled him off.


    I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

    The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

    Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

    Chuck grew up and now works for the government.


    He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Hi Defs

HERE IS THE WASHINGTON POST'S MENSA INVITATIONAL CONTEST WHICH ONCE AGAIN ASKED READERS TO TAKE ANY WORD FROM THE DICTIONARY, ALTER IT BY ADDING, SUBTRACTING, OR CHANGING ONLY ONE LETTER, AND SUPPLY A NEW DEFINITION.


HERE ARE THE WINNERS:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Belief that one will come back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The subs tance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11 . Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?20And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. A rachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


THE WASHINGTON POST HAS ALSO PUBLISHED THE WINNING UBMISSIONS TO ITS YEARLY CONTEST, IN WHICH READERS ARE ASKED TO SUPPLY ALTERNATE MEANINGS FOR COMMON WORDS... AND THE WINNERS ARE:

1. coffee, n. the person u pon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.

6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence, n. emergency vehi cle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. pokemon , n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Friday, April 17, 2009

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Wayne noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Wayne watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Wayne made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Wayne collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Wayne bet big on it, and it won...he was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Wayne was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Wayne also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Wayne knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.. Wayne , in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?'

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home
one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she
noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the
window to him.. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a
tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on
seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he
replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Be a safe Jihadist!

video
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Sunday, April 12, 2009

The new economics explained

Subject: Derivative markets, an understandable explanation

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's drink now pay later marketing strategy and as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar and soon she has the largest sale volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral. At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS.

These securities are then traded on security markets worldwide. Naïve investors don't really understand the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, their prices continuously climb, and the securities become the top-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, although the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the bank (subsequently fired due his negativity), decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's. Heidi demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Therefore, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKIBOND drop in price by 90 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %. The decreased bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment extensions and having invested in the securities are faced with writing off her debt and losing over 80% on her bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 50 workers.

The bank and brokerage houses are saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock negotiations by leaders from both political parties. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by a tax levied on employed middle-class non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand .....

The story of Solomon and Sheba

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I watched this movie today. It's amazing how educational Hollywood films can be. I never understood the whole Solomon and Sheba thing from the Bible but this film explains everything! King David had 2 sons, a German guy and an English dude. Solomon was the German and Adonijay was the English dude. A(Adonijay) should have become king when David died because he was older but S(Solomon) stole the throne because he was the step mom's fave. So, this Ethiopian Princess, Sheba, was passing thru and jungle fever ensued. S started dating the Sista- you know how Germans are. A was probably jealous but he raised a stink that S was dividing the house because there were plenty nice Jewish girls around. God didn't like S dating the Sista either and a really bad storm tore up the temple and messed up the rest of Jerusalem some too. Now the rest of the Jews were about to uprise and the German and the English went to war over the whole thing. Sheba saw where this was going and decided to split but, having loved S a lot, she asked God to put everything back the way it was and, in return, she would go back home and destroy all the idols and cause her people to worship only the one God ever after. So, that's what happened- the German won this time, go figure- but by the time Sheba got back home it was evident she was knocked up and S was the baby daddy. She kept her promise to God and Ethiopia became a strong Jewish and then Christian nation and to this day its royalty traces back to S.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Ben and Jerry's new flavor

In Honor of the 44th President of the United States, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
has issued a new flavor, "Barocky Road." Barocky Road is a blend of half
Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes. The Vanilla portion
of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The Cost is
$100.00 per scoop.
When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then
the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. Thus
you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, and with no
hope of getting any Ice Cream. Aren't you feeling stimulated?

Friday, April 3, 2009

Stuff to think about

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in abuilding full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

Thursday, April 2, 2009