Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Here are your choices.
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know that dry heat is comparable to what hits you in the face
5. The 4 seasons are: Tolerable, hot, really hot and Are You Kidding Me.
You can retire to California where
1. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is you tell them how
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to where
1. You say the city and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four hour argument about how to get from
3. You think is nature.
4. You believe being able to swear at people in their own language
5. You've worn out a car horn (If you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Maine where
1. You only have four spices: Salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: Winter, still winter, almost winter and
You can retire to the Deep South where
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. Y'all is singular and all y'all is plural.
3. He needed killing is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue.
You can retire to Colorado where
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where
1. You've never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have to switch from heat to A/C on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition "Where is my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place you say "It
You can retire to Florida where
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Here are some opinions from all sides of the U.S. political spectrum and beyond.
The chicken crossed the road because, gosh darn it, he’s a maverick!
The chicken, like all hard working Americans, crossed the road because he was filled with Hope and Change for a better life and when you spread the Hope and Change around it’s good for all the chickens.
I tried to prevent the chicken from crossing the road but when I lost American support he did what he damned well pleased.
Because we spent $11 billion building high speed rail to cross the roads.
I am innocent of the charges that I took $20.00 to tell that chicken to cross the road!
Chickens will do whatever I tell them to, that’s why.
The chicken crossed the road because my generals called in air support and blew up his rebel base so he was forced to flee for his life.
We took away his collective bargaining rights and so every chicken had to make the best decision for themselves and this chicken decided to cross the road.
Goddamn America for forcing good chickens to risk their lives to cross the road every day !
That reason is classified though we do know why the chicken in America crossed the road and I can tell you this.
The stimulus worked, that’s why he crossed the road. And I have a Nobel Prize, too.
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
He was trying to get away from some intolerant Republicans and form a cluckus with other chickens of similar minds.
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
Well, obviously there were some Frenchmen on the other side of the road what other conclusion could there be?
The chicken crossed the road because the hen set him up!
George W. Bush
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Under threat from al Qaeda, the chicken had to get to his secret, undisclosed location.
The chicken crossed the road to stomp out oppressive American capitalist imperialism!
Osama bin Laden
The chicken crossed the road because there were some Infidels across the street and praise be to him who tries to stab them in their hearts.
The chicken crossed that road because I wasn’t driving the car.
Because he’s a pinhead!
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
I went to Berlin and demanded that Mr. Gorbachev tear down that wall and the people did so the chicken could cross the road.
I did not cross the road with that chicken.
I invented the chicken.
If we look at this chart over here I’ll show you how George Soros bought all the roads in town and closed them so the only path left was the road the chicken crossed.
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
It was the Sabbath what was he going to do… drive there?
The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation.
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
George H.W. Bush
The chicken saw a thousand points of light and crossed the road.
I had not heard the chicken crossed the roade.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
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Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen his wife for several
months, He was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex
Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped
round her head. He shot her.