Friday, April 29, 2011

Every "WHY DID THE CHICKEN" Joke Ever!!!

Newton Chicken : Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

NT Chicken : Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken : It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken : You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ...chicken.

Mac Chicken : No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get you 1.4999999999.

Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

Java Chicken : If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets!)

C Chicken : It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken : The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken : USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

OOP Chicken : It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken : First it builds the road ...

Delphi Chicken : The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Web Chicken : Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken : Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Lotus Chicken : Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

COBOL Chicken :

Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken cross?

Colonel Sanders : I missed one?

Dilbert : I hate it when the title gives away the plot!

Howard Cosell : It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo- sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Jack Nicholson : 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

O.J. : It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Mae West : I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Pyrrho the Skeptic : What road?

Roseanne Barr : Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Timothy Leary : Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Zsa Zsa Gabor : It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Aristotle : To actualize its potential.

B.F. Skinner : Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung : The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

David Hume : Out of custom and habit.

Douglas Adams : Forty-two.

Epicurus : For fun.

George Washington : Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.

Hamlet : Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of on coming vehicles...

Johann Friedrich von Goethe : The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

John Constantine : Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick.

Julius Caesar : To come, to see, to conquer.

Ludwig Wittgenstein : The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Machiavelli : So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Malcolm X : Because it would get across that road by any means necessary.

Martin Luther King, Jr. : I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Martin Luther King : It had a dream.

Neil Armstrong : One small step for chickenkind, one giant leap for poultry.

Plato : For the greater good.

Richard M. Nixon : The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Sigmund Freud : The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Sisyphus : Was it pushing a rock, too?

The Sphinx : You tell me.

Hippocrates : Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

The Bible : And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Moses : Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.

Buddha : If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

A Nun : It was a habit.

Gerald R. Ford : It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.

Jean-Paul Sartre : In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Joseph Stalin : I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omlette.

Karl Marx : It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein #2 : It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Darwin : It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Darwin 2: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

George Bush : To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Lord Baden-Powell : To earn a road crossing Badge.

Margaret Thatcher : There was no alternative.

Oliver North : National Security was at stake.

Pat Buchanan : To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Richard M. Nixon : The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Ronald Reagan : I don't recall.

Louis Farrakhan : The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

John Locke : Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

John Sununu : The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

President Clinton : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

Albert Einstein : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your point of view. The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

A Square: To get to the other side

Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behaviour, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviours that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Jean-Paul Sartre : In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Nietzsche : Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Immanuel Kant : The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Baldrick : It had a cunning plan.

Darth Vader : Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

Fox Mulder : It was a government conspiracy.

Fox Mulder 2 : You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Gilligan : The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail - the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!

Scully : It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Jerry Seinfeld : Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, 'What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place anyway?

Mr. T : If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Captain James T. Kirk : To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

Odo: I don't have the slightest idea--and I don't particularly care...but then, I've never understood ornithoids' need to engage in such pointless behavior.

Quark: Now really, why would I have bribed him to do it so I could make a tidy profit in the station pool? Besides, all I know is that chicken tastes just like tube grubs.

Kira: It was probably being chased by those damn Cardassians!

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! (Inconceivable!)

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

Sisko: I don't care -why- it was crossing the road! All I want to know is -why- it left the coop! So it wanted to "get to the other side"--there is only -so far- that my tolerance will go!

O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Dr. Bashir: Who am I to argue with a chicken?

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's...

Garak: To get to the other side? Of course not! Do you realize how ridiculous that is? I'm sure it was a simple matter of its farmer expelling it from the coop for...embezzling eggs.

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Troi: It was running...running away, escaping...oh, Captain, it was fleeing from such -pain-!

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...

Barclay: Uh, chicken?!! Where?!!! C-c-c-ommander, did I ever mention my problem with small feathered things?

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll be there in an hour or two--but any later, and it'll be absolutely impossible for it to make it.

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by any kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

Picard: There are four lights!

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

Hugh the Borg: Is it my friend?

Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

Spock: Fasincating, Captain, it seems driven by a beam of pure energy.

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Scotty: I donna know, Captain, but it's crossing as fast as it can!

Chekov: Of course, you know chickens were originally domesticated by the famous Russian chickenologist, Vladimir Chickovsky, who in 1435.....

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...

Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Gene Roddenberry: To boldy go where no one had gone before.

Dr. Seuss : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

Emily Dickinson : Because it could not stop for death.

Ernest Hemingway : To die. In the rain.

Henry David Thoreau : To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain : The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Oliver Stone : The question is not, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' but rather, 'Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?'

Ralph Waldo Emerson : It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Robert Frost : To reach the sidewalk less travelled by.

William Shakespeare : I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado

George Orwell : Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

M.C.Escher : That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

Salvador Dali : The Fish.

Werner Heisenberg : We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

L.A. Police Department : Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Grandpa : In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Bill the Cat : Oops... Ack.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
A: She wanted to lay it on the line.

Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.

Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!

Q: How did the wealthy rubber chicken cross the road?
A: In her Cadillac stretch limo.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could actually be done!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser

A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign:
"Free Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."

Thursday, April 28, 2011



Here are your choices.

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know that dry heat is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.
5. The 4 seasons are: Tolerable, hot, really hot and Are You Kidding Me.


You can retire to California where

1. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is you tell them how
long it will take to get there rather than how many miles it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.


You can retire to New York City where

1. You say the city and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is nature.
4. You believe being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn (If you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You can retire to Maine where

1. You only have four spices: Salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: Winter, still winter, almost winter and


You can retire to the Deep South where

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. Y'all is singular and all y'all is plural.
3. He needed killing is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue.
5. Everything is either in yonder, over yonder or out yonder.
It's important to know the difference too.


You can retire to Colorado where

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home
and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald but you still have a pony tail.


You can retire to the Midwest where

1. You've never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have to switch from heat to A/C on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition "Where is my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place you say "It
was different!"


You can retire to Florida where

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Politically, Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road

Why did the chicken cross the road? Here are some opinions from all sides of the U.S. political spectrum and beyond.

Sarah Palin

The chicken crossed the road because, gosh darn it, he’s a maverick!

Barack Obama

The chicken, like all hard working Americans, crossed the road because he was filled with Hope and Change for a better life and when you spread the Hope and Change around it’s good for all the chickens.

Hosni Mubarak

I tried to prevent the chicken from crossing the road but when I lost American support he did what he damned well pleased.

Joe Biden

Because we spent $11 billion building high speed rail to cross the roads.

Rod Blagojevich

I am innocent of the charges that I took $20.00 to tell that chicken to cross the road!

Nancy Pelosi

Chickens will do whatever I tell them to, that’s why.

Muammar Gaddafi

The chicken crossed the road because my generals called in air support and blew up his rebel base so he was forced to flee for his life.

Scott Walker

We took away his collective bargaining rights and so every chicken had to make the best decision for themselves and this chicken decided to cross the road.

Reverend Wright

Goddamn America for forcing good chickens to risk their lives to cross the road every day !

Vladimir Putin

That reason is classified though we do know why the chicken in America crossed the road and I can tell you this.

Paul Krugman

The stimulus worked, that’s why he crossed the road. And I have a Nobel Prize, too.

John McCain

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

Chris Mathews

He was trying to get away from some intolerant Republicans and form a cluckus with other chickens of similar minds.

Hillary Clinton

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

Nicolas Sarkozy

Well, obviously there were some Frenchmen on the other side of the road what other conclusion could there be?

Marion Barry

The chicken crossed the road because the hen set him up!

George W. Bush

We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Dick Cheney

Under threat from al Qaeda, the chicken had to get to his secret, undisclosed location.

Hugo Chavez

The chicken crossed the road to stomp out oppressive American capitalist imperialism!

Osama bin Laden

The chicken crossed the road because there were some Infidels across the street and praise be to him who tries to stab them in their hearts.

Ted Kennedy

The chicken crossed that road because I wasn’t driving the car.

Bill O’Reilly

Because he’s a pinhead!

Colin Powell

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Ronald Reagan

I went to Berlin and demanded that Mr. Gorbachev tear down that wall and the people did so the chicken could cross the road.

Bill Clinton

I did not cross the road with that chicken.

Al Gore

I invented the chicken.

Glenn Beck

If we look at this chart over here I’ll show you how George Soros bought all the roads in town and closed them so the only path left was the road the chicken crossed.

John Kerry

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

Al Sharpton

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Orthodox Rabbi

It was the Sabbath what was he going to do… drive there?

Howard Dean


Pope Benedict

The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation.

Pat Buchanan

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters

Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

George H.W. Bush

The chicken saw a thousand points of light and crossed the road.

Dan Quayle

I had not heard the chicken crossed the roade.

NRA is celebrating its 140th Anniversary

,,,,,,,,,, because they have guns.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Writing Teachers: Still Crazy After All These Years

Writing Teachers: Still Crazy After All These Years
By Mary Grabar

After spending four depressing days this month at a meeting of 3,000 writing teachers in Atlanta, I can tell you that their parent group, the Conference on College Composition and Communication, is not really interested in teaching students to write and communicate clearly. The group’s agenda, clear to me after sampling as many of the meeting’s 500 panels as I could, is devoted to disparaging grammar, logic, reason, evidence and fairness as instruments of white oppression. They believe rules of grammar discriminate against “marginalized” groups and restrict self-expression.

DWTS 2012


Sunday, April 24, 2011

What Lutherans Can Do That Baptists Can't

You know what to do.....

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Wednesday, April 20, 2011


"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There’s a brand-new campaign slogan — 'Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.'" —David Letterman

"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." —Jay Leno

"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money." —Bill Maher

"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." —Conan O'Brien

"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." —Bill Maher

"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." —Jay Leno

"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman

"Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" —Jay Leno

"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson

"At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control." —Jay Leno

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." —Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years." —David Letterman

"Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty... He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'" —Bill Maher

"This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After President Obama spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush." -Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama's State of the Union Address

"A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." - Jimmy Fallon

"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." -Jay Leno

"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." -Jimmy Kimmel

"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno

"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher

"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." –Bill Maher

"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher

"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno

"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers

"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Things To Think About

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33.I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Classic Copper Clapper Caper

Floor Standards Then and Now

When I was a kid,

Original cheap hardwood floors were covered with linoleum.

Linoleum floors were covered with rugs.

Rugs were replaced with wall-to-wall carpet.

Now we have these cheap manufactured fake hardwood floors because the original hardwood floors are too expensive.

Just saying.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Why Women Can't Work On BMWs

Natural Reaction

An old sea dog marine recently returned from a tour

of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen his wife for several

months, He was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex

with her.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped
round her head. He shot her.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Explaining Reproduction To Your 8 Year Old Daughter

2010 Fed Budget

Two years of Obama...Here's your change!

After two years of Obama...Here's your change!

And this is just a fraction of what he has done "to" this country.



January 2009


% chg


Avg.. Retail price/gallon gas in U.S.





Crude oil, European Brent (barrel)





Crude oil, West TX Inter. (barrel)





Gold: London (per troy oz.)





Corn, No.2 yellow, Central IL





Soybeans, No. 1 yellow, IL





Sugar, cane, raw, world, lb.Fob





Unemployment rate, non-farm, overall





Unemployment rate, blacks





Number of unemployed





Number of fed. Employees





Real median household income





Number of food stamp recipients 





Number of unemployment benefit recipients 





Number of long-term unemployed





Poverty rate, individuals 





People in poverty in U.S. 





U.S.. Rank in Economic Freedom World Rankings





Present Situation Index 





Failed banks 





U.S.. Dollar versusJapanese yen exchange rate





U.S.Money supply, M1, in billions 





U.S.. Money supply, M2, in billions 





National debt, in trillions





Just take this last item: In the last two years we have accumulated national debt at a rate more than 27 times as fast as during the rest of our entire nation's history.
Over 27 times as fast. Metaphorically speaking, if you are driving in the right lane doing 65 MPH and a car rockets past you in the left lane. 
27 times faster, it would be doing 7,555 MPH! 

(1) U.S. Energy Information Administration; (2) Wall Street Journal; (3)Bureau of Labor Statistics; (4) Census Bureau; (5) USDA; (6) U.S. Dept. Of Labor; 
(7) FHFA; (8) Standard & Poor's/Case-Shiller; (9) RealtyTrac; (10)Heritage Foundation and WSJ; (11) The Conference Board; (12) FDIC; 
(13) Federal Reserve; (14) U.S. Treasury