Thursday, January 20, 2011
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the
European Union rather than German, which was the other
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make
words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas.
Pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Activists Missing After Declaring War on Leather at Motorcycle Rally
Something just went wrong, said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong. The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats, decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats. In fact, said the organizer, motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it ergo, they should stop.
According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting youre murderers to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began. They peed on me!!! charged one activist. They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me La Trene, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day! II was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and hehe didnt even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, You cant prove that. Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman. Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers farted on their heads.
Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed surprise at the allegations.
Thats preposterous, said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.
When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and farting on their heads, the organizer declined to comment in detail. Thats just our secret handshake, assured the organizer.
Corporal Tina Eklund
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Reading the jokes below reminded me of a young man who was trying to sell me knives that had a life time warranty. I explained to him that was no longer a big selling point to me.
The older we get.... ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 .
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. Then the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher : 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
And don't forget..
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Nevada were during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the said, "We are expecting 10 to12 inches of snow today.You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to a blond exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."