SIZE MATTERS

Let’s face it: Missiles are penises. You don’t have to be Diana Russell to admit it. You can pretend they are rockets all you want, but all I can think about is Robin Williams inDeath To Smoochy. Sure, you can’t make a missile shaped like a vagina. But that’s the point. No one gets this excited about tanks. When the Committee on the Present Dangercampaigned against the SALT II nuclear reduction treaty, they printed posters that showed the Soviet Union’s big, dark missiles set against our tiny little white ones. How’s that for Fear of a Black Planet?

The Soviet Union may be gone, but don’t tell that to Vladimir Putin. The Russian supremo is comically virile, the sort of guy who is willing to interrupt a meeting with George W. Bush to let him know that Barney, as presidential pets go, is sort of emasculating. It should go without saying that Putin’s Russia is also really into big missiles.

Exhibit A: Last week, a Russian “news” outlet ran a profile on Russia’s newest ICBM under development, known as RS-28. While Russian officials have been discussing the missile for several years, the coverage was still rather eye-popping. While the news story did not involve explicit images or details, it was clear that the Russian state would like you to know that the RS-28 is larger. Very, very large. Like, much larger than the missile it replaces. And much larger than anything in the American arsenal.

According to the Russian press, the missile is far more powerful than the missile it will replace. In the United States, we call this older missile the SS-18 Satan (it’s the “demon rod” smack dab in the middle ­of the Committee on the Present Danger’s “penis poster.”) The new RS-28 is supposed to be bigger still. According to Russian officials, the RS-28 will have 10 tons of so-called throw-weight — the missile’s payload — much of which will be in the form of nuclear weapons. And the RS-28, again say the Russians, will be powerful enough to send these warheads to the United States over the South Pole, avoiding any pesky U.S. missile defenses — not a trivial factor given Moscow’s howling about new U.S. missile defenses in Poland and Romania.

And, in case you still can’t appreciate the humungousness of this missile, the Russian press has helpfully explained that the large number of high-yield warheads it carries could “destroy an area the size of Texas.” Say it in your best Yakov Smirnov voice:Texas is famous big state. Russian missile can destroy Texas. Russian missile is big.

Is any of this true?

Well, Russia can plainly build a giant missile. And the South Pole business isn’t out of the question. The Soviets were really interested in what are called “fractional orbital bombardment systems,” or FOBs, during the Cold War. There was a treaty that would have banned FOBs — the very same treaty that prompted the Committee on the Present Danger to publish the “penis poster.” As it happened, the U.S. Senate ultimately refused to ratify the treaty. And so, this idea is still around. A recent RAND study, for example, contains a description of the advantages and disadvantages of a FOBs-like approach for a new U.S. intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM).

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