Friday, July 22, 2016

JOKES OF THE DAY 072216

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total  stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." 

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

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SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
  Lovers help each other undress before sex.
  However after sex, they always dress on their own.
  Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

  
  SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
  When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations".
  But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job". 
  Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

  
  FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
  1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than on a bicycle.
  2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
  3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
  4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

  
  Bonus Truth
  Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. 
  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
  
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Q: What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.


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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. “This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, ‘What a coincidence!’
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Sick of the city, Sam quits his job and moves to Minnesota, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. After six months of isolation, someone knocks on his door. A huge bearded man is standing on his porch.
Name’s Lars,  the man says, from down the road. Having a party Saturday. Wanna come? 
Definitely,  says Sam. After six months out here, I’m ready to meet some people. 
Gotta warn you,  says Lars, there’s gonna be some drinkin.’ 
No problem: I can drink with the best of them,  says Sam.
More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too. 
Well, I like people,  Sam says. I’ll be there. 
Lars starts to walk away, but then turns back. I seen some wild sex at these parties, too. 
Not a problem,  says Sam. I’ve been alone for six months! Just one question, though: What should I wear? 
Lars shrugs. Whatever you want. It’s just gonna be the two of us.

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FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practicalexam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
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What does Hilary call an FBI agent with 9 bullet holes in the chest?

The worst suicide she has ever seen

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Two brothers go on a camping trip in the mountains together. Once they had found a good spot to camp at, they decided to try something fun. Each brother would go his own way for a week, then return to the good camping spot and tell the other all about what they had seen and done. The two men agree that this is a good idea, and strike off on their own.
A week goes by, and they both return to the campsite. They set up their tents, and begin to tell their stories about what they had done the previous week.
The older brother says, “I walked down a ravine, and followed a small stream that was in the bottom of it. I saw lots of deer and birds. I slept next to a beautiful lake, and at night the sky was so full of stars that I swear that I saw the entire galaxy going by overhead.”
The younger brother says, “That sounds great! As for myself, I walked along a railroad track for a day or so. Eventually, I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, and carried her off the tracks in my arms. Soon, we were making love like crazed animals, in every position imaginable! We did that for the rest of the week, until I had to say farewell, leave her behind, and come back here.”
The older brother is amazed and very jealous of his younger sibling. “I suppose she gave amazing blowjobs too, didn’t she?” he says sourly.
“I’m afraid not, I never found her head.”

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Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Amber?” asked Jesse.
“I want to get weighed,” replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed.” Amber responded.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How did it go?” Amber responded, “Oh, Waura. It was wousy.”

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