JOKES OF THE DAY 080115

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? " 

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" 

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get into bed with you!" 

She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica." 

=========================================================

There are three types of sex in a marriage. 

The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen. 

The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom. 

The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.'' 

But there's also a fourth kind when you screw each other in public. It's called Courtroom Sex when you are getting a divorce.

===========================================================

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. 

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." 

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." 

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." 

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?" 

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

=============================================================

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" 

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"