JACK'S JOKES AND WISDOM OF THE WEEK 081915

Senior Pickup Line

A very elderly gentleman, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid nineties.

He was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit,
flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

He presented a very well looked after image,

Seated at the bar was an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side her.

He orders a drink.

He takes a sip.

He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

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"THE HAIRCUT"

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

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Brilliance in 3 parts
Part I:
A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

I love it when a plan comes together!

Part II:
10 Poorest Cities in America (How did it happen?)

City, State, % of People Below the Poverty Level

1. Detroit, MI 32.5%
2. Buffalo, NY 29.9%
3. Cincinnati, OH 27.8%
4. Cleveland, OH 27.0%
5. Miami, FL 26.9%
5. St. Louis, MO 26.8%
7. El Paso, TX 26.4%
8. Milwaukee, WI 26.2%
9. Philadelphia, PA 25.1%
10. Newark, NJ 24.2%

What do the top ten cities (over 250,000) with the highest poverty rate all have in common?

Detroit, MI - (1st on the poverty rate list) hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1961
Buffalo, NY - (2nd) hasn't elected one since 1954
Cincinnati, OH - (3rd) not since 1984
Cleveland, OH - (4th) not since 1989
Miami, FL - (5th) has never had a Republican mayor
St. Louis, MO - (6th) not since 1949
El Paso, TX - (7th) has never had a Republican mayor
Milwaukee, WI - (8th) not since 1908
Philadelphia, PA -(9th) not since 1952
Newark, NJ - (10th) not since 1907

Einstein once said, 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.'
It is the poor who habitually elect Democrats....... Yet they are still POOR.

Part III:
"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him had better take a closer look at the American Indian."
Henry Ford
"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."
S. L. Clemens
Voting for Hillary Clinton is like buying a ticket on the Titanic, while already knowing it's outcome!

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The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news”

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you banging your secretary”.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it
starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

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