Make-up and Hair style..............$500.00
New Dress for the show............$700.00
Giant Stuffed Bear......................$300.00
Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in your hand...
Priceless!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
GOD from THE DOG
TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Pork chops?
How would you like one of these around your house ?
You ever wonder what happens to those people that just leave home and disappear but their car is found out on a dirt road? Between bigfoot and these monsters, I think we know!
Monday, August 23, 2010
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain...'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless boob?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain...'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless boob?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Illegal Immigration Problem
The Manitoba Herald - as Reported by Clive Runnels - August 1, 2010
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they
wouldn't give any milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said. The Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the concert!
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they
wouldn't give any milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said. The Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the concert!
Perfect Divorce
DIVORCE AGREEMENT
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT! EVEN IF IT ISN'T, THE MESSAGE IS STRONG AND IT HAS TO MAKE THE LEFT THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO OUR COUNTRY IN LESS THAN TWO YEARS!
Dear American Liberals, Leftists, Social Progressives, Socialists, Marxists and Obama Supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for
us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC, CBS, CNN and Hollywood . You can have all the multi-lingual government pamphlets and voter registratio cards and so many manufacturers will be off-loading thousands of boxed goods in your areas because in our United States of America , ENGLISH will be the official language. If you don't speak it, learn it because there
won't be a Spanish option.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us and our allies. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our friends or our way of life ar under assault, we'll help provide them security. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup truck and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Toyota Prius you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a right but not an entitlement. We'll help those who are willing to help themselves and you can help those who are willing to sit on their able-bodied butts while you work. You also get to figure out a way to care and pay for those babies being born to mothers who are still
children themselves and you can then compensate them for having reproduced offspring who themselves will be reproducing offspring in another short 14 years. Just think, you will have more 28 year-old grandmothers per capita than any other nation on earth and none of them will be able to read this letter.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and The Star-Spangled Banner. I'm sure you'll be happy to have Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World as your anthem. We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. Oh yeah, and if you think you might want to cross our border illegally, think again, because there will be
a no open borders in our country and there will be no hyphenations used in our new United States of America where you will either be an American or you won't be. You can always honor your heritage but you will not be a Mexican-American or an African-American or any
other (-)ed American.
In which America are you going to live? Think hard because today we are headed down a very slippery slope. Please pass this along to both liberal leftists and conservative patriots; however, if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, choose the liberal United States and within 10 years you’ll want to be back in the USA . Ask yourself, would you voluntarily move to Mexico City or Moscow or Mumbai. That's the road down which America is headed unless we make changes NOW!
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT! EVEN IF IT ISN'T, THE MESSAGE IS STRONG AND IT HAS TO MAKE THE LEFT THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO OUR COUNTRY IN LESS THAN TWO YEARS!
Dear American Liberals, Leftists, Social Progressives, Socialists, Marxists and Obama Supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for
us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC, CBS, CNN and Hollywood . You can have all the multi-lingual government pamphlets and voter registratio cards and so many manufacturers will be off-loading thousands of boxed goods in your areas because in our United States of America , ENGLISH will be the official language. If you don't speak it, learn it because there
won't be a Spanish option.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us and our allies. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our friends or our way of life ar under assault, we'll help provide them security. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup truck and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Toyota Prius you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a right but not an entitlement. We'll help those who are willing to help themselves and you can help those who are willing to sit on their able-bodied butts while you work. You also get to figure out a way to care and pay for those babies being born to mothers who are still
children themselves and you can then compensate them for having reproduced offspring who themselves will be reproducing offspring in another short 14 years. Just think, you will have more 28 year-old grandmothers per capita than any other nation on earth and none of them will be able to read this letter.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and The Star-Spangled Banner. I'm sure you'll be happy to have Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World as your anthem. We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. Oh yeah, and if you think you might want to cross our border illegally, think again, because there will be
a no open borders in our country and there will be no hyphenations used in our new United States of America where you will either be an American or you won't be. You can always honor your heritage but you will not be a Mexican-American or an African-American or any
other (-)ed American.
In which America are you going to live? Think hard because today we are headed down a very slippery slope. Please pass this along to both liberal leftists and conservative patriots; however, if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, choose the liberal United States and within 10 years you’ll want to be back in the USA . Ask yourself, would you voluntarily move to Mexico City or Moscow or Mumbai. That's the road down which America is headed unless we make changes NOW!
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
Friday, August 20, 2010
The 100th Monkey
The Japanese monkey, Macaca Fuscata, had been observed in the wild for a period of over 30 years.
In 1952, on the island of Koshima, scientists were providing monkeys with sweet potatoes dropped in the sand. The monkey liked the taste of the raw sweet potatoes, but they found the dirt unpleasant.
An 18-month-old female named Imo found she could solve the problem by washing the potatoes in a nearby stream. She taught this trick to her mother. Her playmates also learned this new way and they taught their mothers too.
This cultural innovation was gradually picked up by various monkeys before the eyes of the scientists. Between 1952 and 1958 all the young monkeys learned to wash the sandy sweet potatoes to make them more palatable. Only the adults who imitated their children learned this social improvement. Other adults kept eating the dirty sweet potatoes.
Then something startling took place. In the autumn of 1958, a certain number of Koshima monkeys were washing sweet potatoes -- the exact number is not known. Let us suppose that when the sun rose one morning there were 99 monkeys on Koshima Island who had learned to wash their sweet potatoes. Let's further suppose that later that morning, the hundredth monkey learned to wash potatoes.
THEN IT HAPPENED!
By that evening almost everyone in the tribe was washing sweet potatoes before eating them. The added energy of this hundredth monkey somehow created an ideological breakthrough!
But notice: A most surprising thing observed by these scientists was that the habit of washing sweet potatoes then jumped over the sea...Colonies of monkeys on other islands and the mainland troop of monkeys at Takasakiyama began washing their sweet potatoes.
Thus, when a certain critical number achieves an awareness, this new awareness may be communicated from mind to mind.
Although the exact number may vary, this Hundredth Monkey Phenomenon means that when only a limited number of people know of a new way, it may remain the conscious property of these people.
But there is a point at which if only one more person tunes-in to a new awareness, a field is strengthened so that this awareness is picked up by almost everyone!
WET MONKEY THEORY
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth,then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth,then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"
Now you know why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"
Now you know why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Rules for Kickin' Ass for the Non-Military
Rules for Kickin' Ass for the Non-Military
Make sure you read #13 and the one after that...
Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:
1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.
2.. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling Others that you used to be 'Special Forces'.
Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).
6. If you witness someone calling the Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.
7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a
severe ass-kicking.
9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!
10. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers'(*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.
11. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.
12. It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.
It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.
It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.
It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.
AND ONE MORE:
13. If you ever see anyone singing the national anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.
ONE LAST THING:
If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve to get your ass kicked!
I sent this to you, Not because I didn't want to get my ass kicked BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY, VERY SPECIAL TO ME AND I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE OFFENDED AND ARE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN AND WILL FORWARD THIS ALSO. THANK YOU
WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE! IN GOD WE
TRUST
Make sure you read #13 and the one after that...
Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:
1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.
2.. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling Others that you used to be 'Special Forces'.
Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).
6. If you witness someone calling the Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.
7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a
severe ass-kicking.
9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!
10. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers'(*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.
11. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.
12. It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.
It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.
It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.
It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.
AND ONE MORE:
13. If you ever see anyone singing the national anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.
ONE LAST THING:
If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve to get your ass kicked!
I sent this to you, Not because I didn't want to get my ass kicked BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY, VERY SPECIAL TO ME AND I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE OFFENDED AND ARE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN AND WILL FORWARD THIS ALSO. THANK YOU
WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE! IN GOD WE
TRUST
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Class of '14
Beloit, Wis. – Born when Ross Perot was warning about a giant sucking sound and Bill Clinton was apologizing for pain in his marriage, members of this fall’s entering college class of 2014 have emerged as a post-email generation for whom the digital world is routine and technology is just too slow. Each August since 1998, Beloit College has released the Beloit College Mindset List. It provides a look at the cultural touchstones that shape the lives of students entering college this fall. The creation of Beloit’s Keefer Professor of the Humanities Tom McBride and former Public Affairs Director Ron Nief, it was originally created as a reminder to faculty to be aware of dated references, and quickly became a catalog of the rapidly changing worldview of each new generation. The Mindset List website at www.beloit.edu/mindset, the Mediasite webcast and its Facebook page receive more than 400,000 hits annually. The class of 2014 has never found Korean-made cars unusual on the Interstate and five hundred cable channels, of which they will watch a handful, have always been the norm. Since "digital" has always been in the cultural DNA, they've never written in cursive and with cell phones to tell them the time, there is no need for a wrist watch. Dirty Harry (who’s that?) is to them a great Hollywood director. The America they have inherited is one of soaring American trade and budget deficits; Russia has presumably never aimed nukes at the United States and China has always posed an economic threat. Nonetheless, they plan to enjoy college. The males among them are likely to be a minority. They will be armed with iPhones and BlackBerries, on which making a phone call will be only one of many, many functions they will perform. They will now be awash with a computerized technology that will not distinguish information and knowledge. So it will be up to their professors to help them. A generation accustomed to instant access will need to acquire the patience of scholarship. They will discover how to research information in books and journals and not just on-line. Their professors, who might be tempted to think that they are hip enough and therefore ready and relevant to teach the new generation, might remember that Kurt Cobain is now on the classic oldies station. The college class of 2014 reminds us, once again, that a generation comes and goes in the blink of our eyes, which are, like the rest of us, getting older and older. The Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2014 Most students entering college for the first time this fall—the Class of 2014—were born in 1992. For these students, Benny Hill, Sam Kinison, Sam Walton, Bert Parks and Tony Perkins have always been dead. 1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive. 2. Email is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail. 3. “Go West, Young College Grad” has always implied “and don’t stop until you get to Asia…and learn Chinese along the way.” 4. Al Gore has always been animated. 5. Los Angelinos have always been trying to get along. 6. Buffy has always been meeting her obligations to hunt down Lothos and the other blood-suckers at Hemery High. 7. “Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo. 8. With increasing numbers of ramps, Braille signs, and handicapped parking spaces, the world has always been trying harder to accommodate people with disabilities. 9. Had it remained operational, the villainous computer HAL could be their college classmate this fall, but they have a better chance of running into Miley Cyrus’s folks on Parents’ Weekend. 10. A quarter of the class has at least one immigrant parent, and the immigration debate is not a big priority…unless it involves “real” aliens from another planet. 11. John McEnroe has never played professional tennis. 12. Clint Eastwood is better known as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry. 13. Parents and teachers feared that Beavis and Butt-head might be the voice of a lost generation. 14. Doctor Kevorkian has never been licensed to practice medicine. 15. Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause. 16. Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways. 17. Trading Chocolate the Moose for Patti the Platypus helped build their Beanie Baby collection. 18. Fergie is a pop singer, not a princess. 19. They never twisted the coiled handset wire aimlessly around their wrists while chatting on the phone. 20. DNA fingerprinting and maps of the human genome have always existed. 21. Woody Allen, whose heart has wanted what it wanted, has always been with Soon-Yi Previn. 22. Cross-burning has always been deemed protected speech. 23. Leasing has always allowed the folks to upgrade their tastes in cars. 24. “Cop Killer” by rapper Ice-T has never been available on a recording. 25. Leno and Letterman have always been trading insults on opposing networks. 26. Unless they found one in their grandparents’ closet, they have never seen a carousel of Kodachrome slides. 27. Computers have never lacked a CD-ROM disk drive. 28. They’ve never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day. 29. Reggie Jackson has always been enshrined in Cooperstown. 30. “Viewer Discretion” has always been an available warning on TV shows. 31. The first computer they probably touched was an Apple II; it is now in a museum. 32. Czechoslovakia has never existed. 33. Second-hand smoke has always been an official carcinogen. 34. “Assisted Living” has always been replacing nursing homes, while Hospice has always been an alternative to hospitals. 35. Once they got through security, going to the airport has always resembled going to the mall. 36. Adhesive strips have always been available in varying skin tones. 37. Whatever their parents may have thought about the year they were born, Queen Elizabeth declared it an “Annus Horribilis.” 38. Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball. 39. Pizza jockeys from Domino’s have never killed themselves to get your pizza there in under 30 minutes. 40. There have always been HIV positive athletes in the Olympics. 41. American companies have always done business in Vietnam. 42. Potato has always ended in an “e” in New Jersey per vice presidential edict. 43. Russians and Americans have always been living together in space. 44. The dominance of television news by the three networks passed while they were still in their cribs. 45. They have always had a chance to do community service with local and federal programs to earn money for college. 46. Nirvana is on the classic oldies station. 47. Children have always been trying to divorce their parents. 48. Someone has always gotten married in space. 49. While they were babbling in strollers, there was already a female Poet Laureate of the United States. 50. Toothpaste tubes have always stood up on their caps. 51. Food has always been irradiated. 52. There have always been women priests in the Anglican Church. 53. J.R. Ewing has always been dead and gone. Hasn’t he? 54. The historic bridge at Mostar in Bosnia has always been a copy. 55. Rock bands have always played at presidential inaugural parties. 56. They may have assumed that parents’ complaints about Black Monday had to do with punk rockers from L.A., not Wall Street. 57. A purple dinosaur has always supplanted Barney Google and Barney Fife. 58. Beethoven has always been a dog. 59. By the time their folks might have noticed Coca Cola’s new Tab Clear, it was gone. 60. Walmart has never sold handguns over the counter in the lower 48. 61. Presidential appointees have always been required to be more precise about paying their nannies’ withholding tax, or else. 62. Having hundreds of cable channels but nothing to watch has always been routine. 63. Their parents’ favorite TV sitcoms have always been showing up as movies. 64. The U.S, Canada, and Mexico have always agreed to trade freely. 65. They first met Michelangelo when he was just a computer virus. 66. Galileo is forgiven and welcome back into the Roman Catholic Church. 67. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has always sat on the Supreme Court. 68. They have never worried about a Russian missile strike on the U.S. 69. The Post Office has always been going broke. 70. The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping. 71. The nation has never approved of the job Congress is doing. 72. One way or another, “It’s the economy, stupid” and always has been. 73. Silicone-gel breast implants have always been regulated. 74. They’ve always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi Channel. 75. Honda has always been a major competitor on Memorial Day at Indianapolis.Beloit College Mindset List: http://www.beloit.edu/mindset |
Friday, August 13, 2010
Jose and Carlos
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.
Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads;
I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support.
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"
Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"
Jose's sign reads:
to get back to
Mexico
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Why California is broke and Arizona is not
California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
Arizona:
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that's why California is broke. "
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
Arizona:
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that's why California is broke. "
Why boys need parental supervision!
Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving,and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in your life time you will have been all of these !
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Good Lawyer Story
This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina - USA
A lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of these great cigars, the
lawyer filed a claim against the insurance
company. In his claim, the lawyer
stated the cigars were lost 'in a series
of small fires.' The insurance company
refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the
judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous. The judge stated
nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from
the company, in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that
it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be unacceptable
'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the
ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the
insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts
of ARSON! With his own insurance claim, and
testimony from the previous case being used
against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and
was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine. This true story won First Place in
last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.
Every once in a while sanity prevails!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Thoughts of my generation
=====================
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER...
by Gertie Jones
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Ponderisms:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER...
by Gertie Jones
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Ponderisms:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Monday, August 2, 2010
And that's when the fight started
Joke #1:
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
********************************************************************
Joke #2:
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
*************************************************************************
Joke #3:
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....
**************************************************************************
Joke #4:
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started....
*********************************************************************
Joke#5:
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started....
**************************************************************************
Joke#6:
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....
**************************************************************************
Joke#7:
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself." I replied.
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************************
Joke #8:
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....
***************************************************************************
Joke #9:
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silverhair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started....
*************************************************************************
Joke #10:
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....
****************************************************************************
Joke #11:
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that's when the fight started....
*******************************************************************
Joke #12:
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....
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