ELDER BANKING: DO NOT MAKE OLDER PEOPLE MAD

Below, is a letter sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have

it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with

which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have

elapsed between his presenting the check and the

arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit

of my entire pension, an arrangement which, has

been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief

window of opportunity and also for debiting my

account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience

caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which

this incident has caused me to rethink my errant

financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally

answer your telephone calls and letters, when I

try to contact you, I am confronted by the

impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless

entity that your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with

a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore

and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will

arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally

and confidentially to an employee at your bank

whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal

Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact that

I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order

that I know as much about him or her as your

bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical

history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,

and the mandatory details of his/her financial

situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)

must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course at MY convenience, I will issue

your employee with a PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me.

I regret it cannot be shorter than 28 digits

but again, I have modeled it on the number of

button presses required of me to access my

account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of

flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE

STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room

in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom

in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in

case I am attending to nature.

#6.  To transfer the call to my mobile phone

if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a

password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a

later date to that Authorized Contact

mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen

to options 1 through 7 again

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending

the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,

uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I

must also levy an establishment fee to cover the

setting up of this new arrangement.

May I belatedly wish you a happy, if ever so slightly

less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:  Do not make old people mad. 

We do not like being old in the first place so it

does not take much to piss us off.