AND PUNCTUATION COUNTS TOO!

 Did I read that sign right?  

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife
And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!  
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
 
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
See if that works better than a fair trial!
 ----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*********************************************************************************************

RECENT THOUGHTS AND IMPRESSIONS 032621

CLICK IMAGES TO ENLARGE

 

Crisis at the border. THIS IS SERIOUS!

 

SOME YEATS

=========================

 The Stolen Child

W. B. Yeats - 1865-1939

Where dips the rocky highland

Of Sleuth Wood in the lake,

There lies a leafy island

Where flapping herons wake

The drowsy water rats;

There we've hid our faery vats,

Full of berrys

And of reddest stolen cherries.

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wave of moonlight glosses

The dim gray sands with light,

Far off by furthest Rosses

We foot it all the night,

Weaving olden dances

Mingling hands and mingling glances

Till the moon has taken flight;

To and fro we leap

And chase the frothy bubbles,

While the world is full of troubles

And anxious in its sleep.

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wandering water gushes

From the hills above Glen-Car,

In pools among the rushes

That scarce could bathe a star,

We seek for slumbering trout

And whispering in their ears

Give them unquiet dreams;

Leaning softly out

From ferns that drop their tears

Over the young streams.

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Away with us he's going,

The solemn-eyed:

He'll hear no more the lowing

Of the calves on the warm hillside

Or the kettle on the hob

Sing peace into his breast,

Or see the brown mice bob

Round and round the oatmeal chest.

For he comes, the human child,

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than he can understand.

=========================

The Song of Wandering Aengus

BY WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS

I went out to the hazel wood,

Because a fire was in my head,

And cut and peeled a hazel wand,

And hooked a berry to a thread;

And when white moths were on the wing,

And moth-like stars were flickering out,

I dropped the berry in a stream

And caught a little silver trout.

When I had laid it on the floor

I went to blow the fire a-flame,

But something rustled on the floor,

And someone called me by my name:

It had become a glimmering girl

With apple blossom in her hair

Who called me by my name and ran

And faded through the brightening air.

Though I am old with wandering

Through hollow lands and hilly lands,

I will find out where she has gone,

And kiss her lips and take her hands;

And walk among long dappled grass,

And pluck till time and times are done,

The silver apples of the moon,

The golden apples of the sun.

=========================

William Butler Yeats (13 June 1865 – 28 January 1939) was an Irish poet, dramatist, prose writer and one of the foremost figures of 20th-century literature. A pillar of the Irish literary establishment, he helped to found the Abbey Theatre, and in his later years served two terms as a Senator of the Irish Free State. He was a driving force behind the Irish Literary Revival along with Lady Gregory, Edward Martyn and others.

Yeats was born in Sandymount, Ireland, and educated there and in London. He was a Protestant and member of the Anglo-Irish community. He spent childhood holidays in County Sligo and studied poetry from an early age, when he became fascinated by Irish legends and the occult. These topics feature in the first phase of his work, which lasted roughly until the turn of the 20th century.

Yeats is considered one of the key twentieth-century English-language poets. He was a Symbolist poet, using allusive imagery and symbolic structures throughout his career. He chose words and assembled them so that, in addition to a particular meaning, they suggest abstract thoughts that may seem more significant and resonant. His use of symbols[96] is usually something physical that is both itself and a suggestion of other, perhaps immaterial, timeless qualities.

THOUGHTS FOR TODAY 031821

 

Rand Paul and Dr. Fauci Get Into GIANT FIGHT In Middle Of Hearing Over Masks

 

============================================================

==================================================================

BLIND CASHIER AND WHEN YOU'RE OVER 70

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick up her MasterCard and accidentally passes wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says,

"That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,"Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

******************************

When you're over seventy.......... who cares?

I was standing at the bar at the Legion post one night minding my own business when this fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind, and said,  "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you're over seventy............who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk ...

"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please"

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";

I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'..."

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman at the Legion last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead 

of you."; Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you're over seventy............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then.. try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the groin, but...

When you're over seventy..............who cares?

*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're over seventy.............who cares?

**********

I went to our Legion last night and saw a big woman dancing on a table.  I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you're over seventy.............who cares!

OBEY!

 

==========================

https://t.co/Rprd1WWcx3 pic.twitter.com/qiQ8bcbVgM

— Sharyl Attkisson🕵️‍♂️ (@SharylAttkisson) March 15, 2021

ABOUT THE JABS 031521

LINK...

=======================================

 

Regular booster vaccines against COVID-19 will be needed because of mutations and future variants, the head of Britain's effort to sequence the virus’s genomes tells @Reuters https://t.co/Kfx9kPxw9W pic.twitter.com/8EQbIL3piF

— Reuters (@Reuters) March 15, 2021

 

=======================================

YOU BETTER GITCHA ONE!!

 

Yes! Totalitarian dictatorships can get things done!

 

YOU LEARN FROM MARRIAGE

 

CONVERGENCE OF TWO OPPOSITE ENDS OF A SPECTRUM

=======================================================

 

========================================================

DC vs AMERICA

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====================================== 

LINK TO SITE....

Joe Dan Gorman's site...

OH NO! NOT PEPE!!!

 

======================================================

RW blogs are mad bc I said Pepe Le Pew added to rape culture. Let’s see.
1. He grabs/kisses a girl/stranger, repeatedly, w/o consent and against her will.
2. She struggles mightily to get away from him, but he won’t release her
3. He locks a door to prevent her from escaping. pic.twitter.com/CbLCldLwvR

— Charles M. Blow (@CharlesMBlow) March 6, 2021

======================================================

KAFKA AND THE DOLL

At 40, Franz Kafka (1883-1924), who never married and had no children, walked through the park in Berlin when he met a girl who was crying because she had lost her favorite doll. She and Kafka searched for the doll unsuccessfully.

Kafka told her to meet him there the next day and they would come back to look for her.

The next day, when they had not yet found the doll, Kafka gave the girl a letter "written" by the doll saying "please don't cry. I took a trip to see the world. I will write to you about my adventures."

Thus began a story which continued until the end of Kafka's life.

During their meetings, Kafka read the letters of the doll carefully written with adventures and conversations that the girl found adorable.

Finally, Kafka brought back the doll (he bought one) that had returned to Berlin.

"It doesn't look like my doll at all," said the girl.

Kafka handed her another letter in which the doll wrote: "my travels have changed me." the little girl hugged the new doll and brought the doll with her to her happy home.

A year later Kafka died.

Many years later, the now-adult girl found a letter inside the doll. In the tiny letter signed by Kafka it was written:

"Everything you love will probably be lost, but in the end, love will return in another way."

Embrace the change. It's inevitable for growth. Together we can shift pain into wonder and love, but it is up to us to consciously and intentionally create that connection.

about

MANY AMERICANS EXPERIENCED

A FB friend wrote this but I think many Americans can identify....

 I grew up in a military family...all over the U.S. but mostly Georgia and Kentucky. This was during a time when everyone treated each other like Family. Fast food was unheard of in my family and we would sit down at the table for all meals. We drank kool-aid, ate bologna sandwiches, PB&J sandwiches, potted meat sandwiches. We would go to the corner store to trade in reusable coke bottles to get a $1.00 and use it to get a bag full of candy and an Drink. We worked babysitting and mowing lawns and did chores for free. We knew the value of money even as children, because we had to earn it. We worked a huge garden during each summer. We went outside to play games like kickball, hopscotch, kick the can, hide & seek, red light green light, red rover, baseball, basketball, water fights, jumped rope, dodge ball or tetherball, played house and barbies. We chased Lightning bugs (fire flies) and flew June bugs on the end of a thread. There was no bottled water, so we drank from the garden hose when we needed a drink.

We watched cartoons and did extra chores on Saturday morning. We would ride our bikes for hours all without a cell phone or electronic games. We would visit the library and find a book by cards; not a computer screen.

We weren't AFRAID OF ANYTHING except our parents and maybe an old 'haunted house' or two. If someone had a fight, that's what it was...a fight and you were back to being friends.

Kids didn't have guns (except for sticks we used as guns or plastic guns) when we were playing cowboys and Indians and never thought of taking a life, especially not their own. Building forts in the woods, the hay barn, or clay gulley. When the porch lights came on you had best be home. School was mandatory. We watched what we said around our elders because we knew If we DISRESPECTED any grown up we would get our behinds busted or legs switched, it wasn't called abuse, it was discipline! And we had to pick our own switch. 

Please and Thank you were a part of our daily dialogue along with sir and ma'am! We went to Church and we were grateful for everything we had. We ate meals as a family and learned to "clean" our plate. Eat it all. We said the pledge of Allegiance and had devotion EVERY morning at school before class, we were respectful and thankful.

I've been thinking more and more lately how grateful I am that I grew up at this time where the world was so much simpler and different. I miss that world so much!!

Share if you're thankful for your childhood and will never forget where you came from! Wouldn't it be nice if it were possible to get back to this way of life?

TWITTER 030821- HR1 IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL

======================================

House Democrats passed H.R. 1, the so-called “For the People Act,” on Wednesday. The bill would radically change American democracy, nationalizing elections and making permanent changes to voting rules that would virtually ensure Democrats never lose another election.

Read about the travesty here....

======================================

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======================================

THE KEYSTONE PIPELINE

 

I didn't do the Math but....

Copied and pasted from a friend....

NOBODY CAN BULLSHIT A WELL INFORMED CITIZEN.

The Keystone Pipeline upon completion would carry more than 800,000 barrels or 33.6 million gallons of oil through the pipeline per day. With no harmful emissions.

A Barrel of Oil is 42 gallons (not to be confused with a 55 gallon Drum). 

Because a gallon of oil weighs about 7.8 pounds per gallon - most tractor trailer trucks can only carry about 130 barrels of oil at a time  - without violating our department of transportation limits of 80,000 lbs. on our roadways.  The 80,000 limit includes the truck and the cargo weight TOTAL.   (An EMPTY tractor trailer averages about 35,000 pounds in weight.)

It would take 6,154 more trucks going just from Canada to the Gulf Coast for that same oil - EVERY SINGLE DAY - seven days a week !!!

Now a rail car holds approx. 30,000 gallons or 700 barrels.  It would take trains pulling 1,143 more rail cars per day - EVERY DAY - just to pull the oil equal to that pipeline from Canada to the Gulf Coast. 

TRAINS and TRUCKS ???   BURNING MORE DIESEL FUEL AND CREATING MORE AND MORE EMISSIONS !!!!  All that would be eliminated by the Keystone Pipeline.  

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ENVIRONMENT. 

SOME POLITICIANS ARE GETTING PAID OFF / BRIBES / ETC. !!!!

BYRON DONALDS- RISING STAR

========================================

Gavin Newsom is an idiot! @ByronDonalds on https://t.co/gPC21NTHxH pic.twitter.com/GGCWy0rrBv

— Sebastian Gorka DrG (@SebGorka) March 6, 2021

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DC vs AMERICA

 ======================================

Intellectual Frogleg Productions
This Weekend--> New episode
"DC versus America"

🔥Promo🔥 pic.twitter.com/FkParXlGwo

— Joe Dan Gorman - Intellectual Froglegs (@JoeDanMedia) March 3, 2021

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‘O Fortuna’ from Carmina Burana

 Whether you know it as the great choral number from Carmina Burana or simply as The X Factor song, most of us have heard the brilliant ‘O Fortuna’. But what is the choir actually singing about?

‘O Fortuna’ was written in the 13th century as a medieval Latin poem, which was part of a collection known as the Carmina Burana.

It literally means ‘Oh Fate’, and it is a complaint about the inescapable power of fate. Sure, this might seem a tad negative, but fate had greater relevance in the lives of men and gods in Roman and Greek mythology.

Around 1935-6, German composer Carl Orff set the poem to music as part of his cantata Carmina Burana, which was based on 23 other poems from the medieval collection.

His harmonic treatment, which is modal until the last nine bars, gives ‘O Fortuna’ a menacing, ominous tone which has made it suitable for a number of films and TV shows over the last 75 years. 

=========================================

 

=========================================

Now, let’s find out what the Latin lyrics actually translate to in English (feel free to chant along in your head, it’s quite catchy – albeit intense).

What are the lyrics to ‘O Fortuna’?

O Fortuna
Velut luna
Statu variabilis
Semper crescis
Aut decrescis;
Vita detestabilis
Nunc obdurat
Et tunc curat
Ludo mentis aciem,
Egestatem,
Potestatem
Dissolvit ut glaciem.
Sors immanis
Et inanis,
Rota tu volubilis
Status malus,
Vana salus
Semper dissolubilis,
Obumbrata
Et velata
Michi quoque niteris;
Nunc per ludum
Dorsum nudum
Fero tui sceleris.
Sors salutis
Et virtutis
Michi nunc contraria,
est affectus
et defectus
semper in angaria.
Hac in hora
Sine mora
Corde pulsum tangite;
Quod per sortem
Sternit fortem,
Mecum omnes plangite!

What is the English translation?

O Fortune,
like the moon
you are changeable,
ever waxing,
ever waning,
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
poverty
and power
it melts them like ice
fate – monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
you are malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing,
shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through the game
I bring my bare back
to your villainy
fate is against me
in health
and virtue,
driven on
and weighted down,
always enslaved.
so at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating strings;
since Fate
strikes down the strong man,
everyone weep with me!

What are the lyrics to ‘O Fortuna’ from Carmina Burana?

E=mc²

 

======================================

Albert Einstein explains his famous formula, E=mc² pic.twitter.com/iKLhzAio4t

— Vala Afshar (@ValaAfshar) March 5, 2021

====================================== 

THE POTUS IS EMBARRASSING US AND HURTING US

 

=====================================

This is so embarrassing. They have made a joke of the Presidency.

Biden is treated like a child. He is babysat and humored all day while Pelosi and the rest run the country. pic.twitter.com/MUDbfzTj2p

— Michael Moore (@mbracemoore) March 4, 2021

=====================================

Another week hiding from the Press. https://t.co/osZVYi585j

— Sebastian Gorka DrG (@SebGorka) March 6, 2021

=====================================

Gov @tatereves ~ Yesterday’s ’Deplorable’ is today’s ‘Neanderthal’. “Mississippians don’t need handlers . . . trust Americans, not insult them. pic.twitter.com/61jROQX4Kz

— SgtPepper1964 (@SPepper1964) March 5, 2021

=====================================

This isn't just a #BorderCrisis, it is a national crisis.https://t.co/W3PHufCY5G

— Louie Gohmert (@replouiegohmert) March 6, 2021

=====================================

WH CUTS FEED WHEN POTUS OFFERS TO TAKE QUESTIONS

 

============================================================

"I'm happy to take questions, if that's what I'm supposed to do, Nance. Whatever you want me to do."

The WH cuts the feed after @JoeBiden says he's happy to take questions after a virtual event with Democrat leadership. This ending was removed from the VOD version. pic.twitter.com/Ypv89HwkDD

— Washington Examiner (@dcexaminer) March 4, 2021

============================================================ 

===============================================================

IT'S MARCH- SO, WE'RE HONORING THE IRISH

 

Why Irish eyes are full of laughter...

===========================

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

===========================

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven? '  

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' 

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

===========================

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to cross

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

===========================

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

===========================

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

===========================

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' 

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

===========================

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

===========================