MEDICARE BENEFITS

A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, go to a Sex Therapist's office.

 

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

 

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

 

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for advice about sex that he agrees.

 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

 

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

 

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

 

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

 

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

 

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all, Medicare pays and our cost share is only $7.'

WHY IS THE BEGGARS CHILD ALWAYS SLEEPING?

The beggar pretended not to hear me. She lowered her eyes and hid her face in the collar of her shabby jacket. I repeated the question. The woman again looked up. She looked somewhere behind my back, tired with utter irritation. Her look was similar to the creatures from a different planet. -F **k off … her lips murmured. -Why is he asleep?! I almost cried …
Behind me someone put his hand on my shoulder. I looked back. A some old man was looking at me disapprovingly:
– What do you want from her? Can’t you see how hard she’s got it in her life… Eh …
He gets some coins from his pocket and throws them in the beggar’s bag.
Beggar made a hand wave of a cross, portraying the face of humility and universal grief. The guy removed his hand from my shoulder and strolled out of the underground station. I bet, at home, he will tell how he defended poor, distraught woman from a soulless man in a tube station.
Next day I called a friend. It was a funny man with eyes like olives Romanian nationality. He only managed to complete three and a half years of education. The complete lack of education does not prevent him from moving around the City streets on very expensive foreign cars and live in a “small” house with countless number of windows and balconies. From my friend I managed to find out that this business, despite the apparent spontaneity, clearly organized. Its supervised by begging organized crime rings. The children used are in “rent” from families of alcoholics, or simply stolen.
I needed to get the answer to the question – why is the baby sleeping? And I received it. My friend Gypsy said the phrase, completely ordinary with calm voice that twisted me in shock, just like he was talking about weather report: -They are on heroin, or vodka …
I was dumbfounded. “Who is on heroin? Whom – under vodka?! ” He answered -The Child, so he doesn’t scream. The women will be sitting whole day with him, imagine how he might get bored?

“Why is sleeping child in the hands of beggars? Have you ever wondered … “

Tom's scrotum

Tom's scrotum The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........

 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Mary Ann stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

 

He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Why I Like Retirement !

Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


 Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Ans wer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
 She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
 She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is
 you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.



I've sure gotten old!
 I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
 make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
 blackouts.
 Have bouts with dementia.
 Have poor circulation;
 hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
 Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
 Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
 I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
 by the time I
 got my leotards on,
the class was over.



An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart
 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
 'Why Wal-Mart?'
 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'



THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the
 difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!

Girls Are Like Shopping Carts

All Girls Are Like Shopping Carts

By raywolf

You will find many similar carts clustered together in one place. To take her you will usually have to have some coin.

Carts—or trolleys as we call them in Europe—are all very similar and hard to tell apart. Generally they are cheap and nasty, but usually come with brightly colored plastic and are emblazoned with some logo or other to identify her value and origin.

The cart doesn’t belong to you, she will always return to the cluster of other carts.

A cart is not choosy about who uses her. She may be brand new, or she may have been used hundreds of times without you knowing. She does not come with a list of previous users.

If you pick one at random without paying attention, you may find someone else has had their junk in her and left her all filthy. As you can see, some people like to pack a lot of meat into their cart. Others may have been used by losers.

ANOTHER JACK JOKE

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persists, and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask
his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores, and hockey players up
there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

HOW TO CHECK FOR A WIG

SEX IN CINEMA

Nymphomaniac's producer Louise Vesth said: "We shot the actors pretending to have sex and then had the body doubles, who really did have sex, and in post [production] we will digitally impose the two. So above the waist it will be the star and below the waist it will be the doubles."

Is Sex in Cinema Getting Too Real?

SNL GLORY DAYS

HOW' YO RAP CAREER BE DOIN'?

GOOD OLD DAYS- WHO REMEMBERS?

 

 

Manual window crank - when you actually rolled the windows down

.

Clotheslines & pins

Vent windows in cars - why did 'they' get rid of these?

35mm slides - are yours still sitting in a box in a closet? They were until my daughter-in-law put them all on a DVD.

Carousel slide projector -

Creamsicles! Loved creamsicles!

Good too!

1960's child car seat - they may not have been the safest, but it's what was available at the time... at least we put our precious cargo in something!

Popeye cartoons

The soda fountain - best egg creams, root beer floats and black & whites - I miss 'em.

Switchboard operators - before automation, there was a real voice at the other end if you needed assistance.

 

Child's metal sand bucket and shovel - before the influx of plastic

Plain ol' red fire hydrant. . .you hardly ever see a red fire hydrant anymore - now they're yellow, or construction orange, or blue, or two-tone... but not just plain old red.

Trusty ol' aluminum stove top coffee percolator. It's a NO, NO now too much aluminum!

Flintstones chewables

 

"I Remember Mama" TV series - wow, a real oldie from the 50s.

Plugged mine in every morning(!!) and curled my hair before work... good grief, the things we did!

Nancy and Sluggo comics

Dick Tracy (and his two-way wrist radio) comics...

Did you used to do this? - we'd put metal taps on our shoes so we'd sound 'cool' as we click-clacked along. it was especially cool in the school halls!

 

In October 1957 the Soviet Union wins the Space Race and launches Sputnik 1, the first man made, earth-orbiting satellite.

.

Remember the trademark orange roofs, inexpensive meals, endless pots of coffee and 28 flavors of ice cream at Howard Johnson's? They used to be everywhere.

I'd go shopping with my mother on Saturdays and what a treat to stop and have a grilled cheese sandwich and soda for lunch at the 5&10.

25 cents a gallon for gasoline - you could cruise around a lot on a couple of dollars... now you almost need to take out a second mortgage for a trip to the store!!

At school we bought savings stamps for 10 cents. they went in a little booklet and when it was filled, you could take it to the bank for a U. S. Savings Bond - a war bond.

Oh my, how could I forget Howdy Doody and Buffalo Bob!

Parcheesi - played it all the time back in the day, haven't played it in years - do they still make it??

Classic white bucks...

Little Lulu and Tubby comics

 

"you'll wonder where the yellow went, when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent"

 

4 cent postage.

I remember 3 and 4 cent postage, and 1 and 2 cent postcards..

 

Ipana tootpaste and Bucky Beaver.

48 star U.S. flag

Vicks VapoRub - comforting go-to for congestion and colds

Mercurochrome and merthiolate - our go-to antiseptics for minor cuts and scrapes... boy, did that merthiolate burn - you had to blow on it til it dried

 

Dancing cigarette pack ads

Oversize sunglasses ala Jackie

Leisure suits and disco shirts...

Remember these from high school days - I still have mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anonymous On Islamic

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