CLEVER SIGNS

Seattle Propane (at Wallingford Chevron) has a person with a really good sense of humor running their sign department.









You'd be 3/4 dead

BEST BATHROOM SIGNS!

BEST BATHROOM SIGNS!






























AND FINALLY THE ONE THE LADIES LIKE THE BEST

SOUND FAMILIAR?

THIS IS THE BEST MAXINE EVER, EVER, EVER!

RIGHT ON MAXINE!!!

This is the best analogy yet!
Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that
US/Canada/UK/Germany/ Australia/NZ is now in economically.


I bought a bird feeder. I hung it
on my back porch and filled it
with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.

Then came the shit. It was
everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table ...
everywhere!

Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.

And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be ..... quiet, serene....
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.....
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care and free
education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.

Then the illegals came by the
tens of thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than ”ours” are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
just continue cleaning up the shit!

COSTCO MEDICAL DIAGNOSTIC

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

A MAN'S LIFE STORY- HOME DEPOT AS EXAMPLE

You are in the middle of some home projects:

putting in a new fence, painting the porch,

planting some flowers and fixing a broken door

lock.You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt,

lawn clippings and paint. You have your old

work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts

with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a

stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of

tennis shoes. Right in the middle of these tasks

you realize that you need to run to Home Depot

for supplies. Depending on your age you might do

the following:

_In your 20s:_Stop what you are doing. Shave,

take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your

teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check

yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of

your favorite cologne because, you never know,

you just might meet some hot chick while

standing in the checkout line. And yes, you

went to school with the pretty girl running the

register.

_In your 30s:_Stop what you are doing, put on

clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You

married the hot chick so no need for much else.

Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check

yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot

of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid

sister of someone you went to school with.

_In your 40s: _Stop what you are doing. Put on

a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the

hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on

different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.

Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't

waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check

yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in

than flexing. The hot young thing running the

register is your daughter's age and you feel

weird about thinking she's spicy.

_In your 50s: _Stop what you are doing. Put on

a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your

shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to

get dog crap in your new sports car. Check

yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear

that shirt anymore because it makes you look

fat. The cutie running the register smiles when

she sees you coming and you think you still have

it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is

from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I

Got Worms '

_In your 60s: _Stop what you are doing. No need

for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your

shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in

your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so

nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The

girl running the register may be cute but you

don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

_In your 70s: _Stop what you are doing. Wait to

go to Home Depot until you call the drug store

to have your prescriptions ready for pick too

and check your grocery list for a quick stop

there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the

dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the

register stares at you and you realize your

balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch…

who cares.

_In your 80s: _Stop what you are doing. Start

again. Then stop again. Now you remember you

need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart

instead. You went to school with the old lady

greeter. You wander around trying to remember

what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud

and turn around thinking someone called your name.

_In your 90s & beyond: _What's a home deep hoe?

Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I?

Why am I reading this?

Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

ABCs OF SOUTHERN ETIQUETTE

BASIC

1.  Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.  Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3.  It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4.  If you have to vacuum the bed, it's probably time to change the sheets.
5.  Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

 

DINING OUT 
1.  When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2.  If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

 

 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 
1.  A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.  Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

 

 

PERSONAL HYGIENE 
1.  While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done only in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.  Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.  However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.  Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

 

 

DATING (Outside the Family)
1.  Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.  Be aggressive.  Let her know you're really interested.   Say things like, "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3.  Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some will say 10:00 PM.  Others might say "Monday."  If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 

 

THEATER ETIQUETTE 
1.  Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2.  Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.  Tests have proven they can't hear you.

 

 

WEDDINGS 
1.  Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.  For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4.  Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this occasion.

 

 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE 
1.  Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2.  When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.  Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5.  Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

DETAILS OF THE NEW HEALTH PLAN BEFORE CONGRESS

NEW HEALTH PLAN

The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.