Humans
originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the
invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were
the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.
Once
beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some
men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other
men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some
of these liberal men eventually evolved into pseudo-women. The rest
became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group
hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the
meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful
land animal on earth; the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern
liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals
invented the designated-hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives
drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, pilots,
corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works
productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals
produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get more for nothing.
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