I bought a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."
It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
Hillary called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2016!"
"Great Hillary, but how?" asked Bill.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle
Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you
Bill and Hillary Clinton?"
"Yes we are!" said Hillary, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Bill suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, Walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, Shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, In came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, Lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head And left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in,
Lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Hillary asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come
In and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there
Running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever In here with two assholes!"
NEXT US FIRST LADY
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.