Sunday, June 5, 2016
JOKES OF THE DAY 060516
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no".
The agent then says, "Sir, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay!
If that is what the people want. “ C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you"!$#@&!". The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that; I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies,"Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch. “
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating Danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas-Georgia-Alabama 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''