Thursday, March 17, 2016



(Strumming harp music, blurry transition from the present to January 20, 2017, President Donald Trump delivers his inaugural address)

Thank you! Thank you, very much! I mean, sheesh, you guys can stop applauding already! Thank you. Thank you.

You know, this is my first day on the job and people are asking, “What are you going to do to make America great again?” Well, you know, I didn’t take on this job to watch Hillary’s makeup dry (laughter, applause). So for my first day in office, I think we need to address the vacancy on the Supreme Court. Now Anthony Scalia was a very smart man; he was a very, very good Supreme Court justice, and it’s gonna be very hard to replace somebody like him. I thought, you know, where are we gonna get a guy like him? And then I looked in the mirror, you know how much I like doing that, right (laughter)? And so I looked in the mirror and I thought, “genius”. I am going to appoint myself to be the next justice on the Supreme Court (wild applause, whistles).

Now I know someone’s gonna come along and say, “Hey! You can’t do that – that goes against the Constitution (boos).” You know, separation of powers, blah, blah, blah. Now I have a lot of respect for the Constitution. It was written by some very smart people and it’s what helped America to become great in the first place. And it was written so that no one had all the power, you know what I mean? They didn’t trust anyone with all the power, not even George Washington, and he was a very, very good man. But here’s what they didn’t consider: me (very loud cheers).

I mean, think about it. The Constitution was written for losers, and I mean that in a good way. They didn’t want some loser to have all the power, and that was a very smart move. I’m a winner (more loud cheers). I have a very-high-IQ. No, really, I do. I’m very rich. I’m really proud of all the money I made. See, I’m a winner. And a genius. You can trust me with all the power because I’m gonna use that power to make America great again (hoots, cheers)!
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