8 Point Plan to Solve The Fiscal Cliff Crisis

STEP ONE: Eliminate school breakfast and lunch programs, Medicaid, the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the Environmental Protection Agency, Medicare, PBS, New Mexico, elk, the Coast Guard, and all dams.
STEP TWO: Eliminate all nonessential public school programs entirely and offer only three courses: Corn Farming, Nuclear Weaponry, and Print Journalism.
STEP THREE: Eliminate federal prison system by converting U.S. territory of Guam into an unsupervised penal colony known as “The Gauntlet.”
STEP FOUR: Eliminate a randomly selected 8 percent of the nation’s total population, preferably teenagers or very young children from the Iowa or Minnesota regions.
STEP FIVE: Raise taxes on single mothers to encourage them to work harder. The Onion has repeatedly called for a national referendum on how best to punish single mothers, and yet Congress has remained silent.
STEP SIX: Cut all foreign aid, with the sole exception of support for Bashar al-Assad and the Syrian government, as they need our help the most.
STEP SEVEN: Raise the cost of fishing licenses to $140,000.
STEP EIGHT: Increase special interest loopholes and tax deductions for The Onion.
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