JOKES OF THE DAY 080315

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Several racehorses are in a stable. One on them starts boasting about his track record. "Of my last fifteen races," he claims, "I’ve won eight." 

Another horse breaks in, "Well I’ve won 19 of my last 27!" 

"That’s good, but I’ve taken 28 of 36," says another, flicking his tail. 

At this point, a greyhound -- who’s been sitting nearby listening -- adds, "I don’t mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I’ve won 88." 

The horses are clearly amazed. "WOW!" says one horse after a prolonged silence, "A talking dog!" 

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A married couple at a zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. The woman inquires: "Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? "Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it and see how horny it gets -- just as men do!" Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough, the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure, as if it wanted to break free. "See?" asks the woman, "Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts -- just like gorillas can't!!" 

Mark suggests: "Now expose BOTH breasts and let us see what happens." The woman bares both breasts to the gorilla; it gets very excited, and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Mark adds: "This is incredible! Now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!" The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, and pulls her pink panties down -- by now, the gorilla was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: "Mark, what do I do now? Please, help me!" 

Mark replies: "Tell him you have a headache, and you're not in mood... Let us see if gorillas and men are the same...." 


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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. 

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work. The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to go to work. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police. 'I like it!' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap on the seat. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, What's going on?' 

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb!'

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Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and approached an executive. "Sir," appealed one, "we are soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?" 

"Sorry," replied the exec, "but I contribute directly." 

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A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" 

Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" 

The teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" Little Johnny says, 

"Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the baby-sitters teeth." 

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Three young neighborhood women, having coffee, were discussing their husbands. One said, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, " Well, you're not alone cuz I'm sure my husband is cheating on me also. Last month I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of tiny holes with my sewing needle and put it back in his wallet !" The third woman fainted ! 

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Why Ethel decided to change Motels.... Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely, and thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.” She found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tom - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum. She figured, “What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.” 

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?” 

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" 

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press nine for an outside line." 


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