Thursday, August 4, 2016
JOKES OF THE DAY 080416
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim.
Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, boys"?
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture.."
"Nah, we don't like all that British stuff," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
Bartender asks: Then why keep going to England?
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back."
So they laid-off the night watchman.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore, Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety - the 'works'."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Grotto, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cock fighting being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate. Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.
"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Demcratic Natnal Char from N'awlins".
Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immediately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."
The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sumbody bet on de duck!"
"Ah, I see, I see ... " sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the DNC was involved?"
"De duck won!"
:: Bacon & Abstinence ::
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.
"The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi,
on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed,
"Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I
landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came
from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if
I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron
and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small
wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another
drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival
stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to
take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on
tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of
gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both
been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last
time you played around?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as
tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
Alaskan Black Bear ..... Mt. McKinley National Park : This is a very sad story about a formerly well-balanced wild bear…
Everybody should heed the warnings not to feed wildlife... because they become dependent... and don't forage for themselves any longer. It is such a tragedy to see what has been done to our country's wildlife. The U.S. Forest Service photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect U.S. wildlife
Animals that formerly were self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party. They have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.
This photo is of a black bear in Alaska turned Democrat. He's nicknamed Bearack Obearma. It is believed that he has become a campground organizer.