Friday, August 19, 2016

JOKES OF THE DAY 081916

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"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter".
In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, 86% of Chicago 's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings tears to your eyes

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Just A Thought
   People say circumcision does NOT hurt.
   I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year!

   When You Are Over Seventy
   I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
   This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”
   I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”
   She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.
   I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
   Cost me 6 stitches…but, when you’re over seventy……………who cares?

   Cowboy:  “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
   Lady Cashier:  “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
   Cowboy:  “Nah… She’s purty good  lookin’…..”
   When you’re over seventy……………who cares?

   I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
   She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
   I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
   Cost me a fat lip, but… When you’re over seventy……………who cares?
   I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
   “Really” she said, “Go on then… try.”
   After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
   I said, “Yesterday.”
   Cost me a kick in the nuts, but… When you’re over seventy……………who cares?

   I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
   The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
   Cost me a bloody nose, but… When you’re over seventy……………who cares?

   I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.  I said, “Good legs.”
   The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”
   I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
   Cost me 6 more stitches, but… When you’re over seventy……………who cares?

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As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.  Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

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A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

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Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern  Minnesota woods.  He leaned his old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his Labrador dog Ginger knocked the gun over,  it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the  groin. 

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.  

"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos.  Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK.  Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot.  
  
"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.  

"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.  I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena .  
  
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says  Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"  

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute  player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.  And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going  to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.

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