Thursday, July 23, 2015


The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" 


Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorists "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?" "I regret I cannot," lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other. The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No shit?" 


Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?" "Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss. Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?" Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?" 


Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing as to who was the better doctor. The 1st. claimed he was better, then the 2nd. This went on for 30 minutes or so! Finally the 1st. doctor said to the 2nd, "If your so good - then prove it". The 2nd doctor said "ok I will". The 2nd doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl sitting up in an old oak tree. He said "see that owl", the 1st replied "yes", "I'll give that owl a tonsillectomy in 10 minutes" said the 2nd doctor. The 1st. doctor encouraged him to try. The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the owl. With a "clip", "snip", and "clip" - the 2nd doctor was done. He proceeded to say, "9 minutes and 15 seconds later, I'm through - beat that!". The 1st. doctor then stated that he could beat the 2nd. doctor by performing a vasectomy in 5 minutes. He asked the 2nd. if he successfully completed the vasectomy in 5 minutes would he be the better of the two doctors. To that the doctored replied "yes". The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the same owl. With a "clip", "snip", "cut", "bang", "stitch", and "clip" - the 1st doctor was done. He completed his operation in a record 3 minutes and 35 seconds. Both doctors went on jogging down the path happy and content as to whom was the better of the two doctors. The next day the Mr. Owl and Mrs. Owl were flying along when Mrs. Owl stated "I'm tired, lets land and rest a while!". Mr. Owl said "ok!" Mrs. Owl looked around and saw (with here keen vision) a wonderful old oak tree to perch on, see stated, "lets land over there on the old oak tree". Mr. Owl looked around and saw the oak tree, only to proclaim, "I'M NOT LANDING THERE". Mrs. owl said "why not", Mr. Owl again proclaimed "I'M NOT LANDING THERE". This went on for some time! Mrs. Owl said, "tell me why you don't want to land there or we're going to!". Mr. Owl said; "Well, ever since I landed in that old oak tree yesterday, I can't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot.


On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' " When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. 


Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!" 


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