JOKES OF THE DAY 072915

A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal." 

The pirate says, "Arrr, it's OK, he's had his shots." 

Then the bartender says, "I was talking to the parrot!" 

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Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook whilst applying the same principles. Therefore, Every day, I go down the street and tell the passersby what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after. I give them pictures of me, my dog, and me gardening, and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. And it works: I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a Psychiatrist. 

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Two drunks staggering home one night and one decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Half way through an apparition appears. "What's that on your back?" the ghost asks. 

"It's a hump" says the drunk The ghost puts his hand on the drunk's back and the hump disappears. 

He races home and next night at the pub he tells his mate all about it. His mate is amazed and says he is going through the cemetery that night as he has a wooden leg and wants a proper leg. Again half way through the cemetery a ghost appears... 

"What's wrong with your leg?" he asks. 

"It's a wooden leg," says the drunk. 

"Have you got a Hump?" asks the ghost. 

"No" replies the drunk. 

o the ghost puts his hand on the drunk's back and says, "Here, you can have this one." 

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Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room. They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing." 

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated." 

Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... He said it was no big deal!" 

"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick."