JOKES OF THE DAY 072715

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An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief. "Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news." 

The Chief asks for the bad news first. 

Scout says, "No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today." 

Chief asks for the worse news. 

Brave says, "Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the thousands." 

Finally the chief asks for the good news. 

The brave says, "Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo! 

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This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "S-say! B-b-bartender, g-g-gimme a b-b-beer." 

The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and asks, "That will be $2.50, please." 

The guy thinks that's pretty high-priced and says, "D-d-d-damn! That's h-h-high!" 

The bartender answers, "Yes, but that's our price." 

The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "S-s-say! B-b-bartender, g-g-gimme a w-whiskey, p-p-please." 

The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please." 

The guy says, "D-d-d-damn! T-t-that's h-h-high!" 

The bartender replies, "Yes, but that's our price." 

The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving, says, "B-b-bartender, t-thanks for n-not m-m-making f-f-fun of my s-s-stuttering w-w-while I w-was in h-h- here." 

The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here." 

The guy answers "Oh, t-t-that's OK. E-everything else in t-this p-p-place wwas so h-h-high, I t-t-thougt it w-was yyour ass!" 


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The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend, Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!" 

"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?" 

"Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker." 

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A guy is driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is he's taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, "Wouldn't it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?" 

The farmer, confused, looks at him and says, "What's time to a pig?" 

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A lady had been exposed to strep throat and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while, with her legs crossed, reading a magazine, while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was 'asleep.' Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress. Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, 

"See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!" 

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